Toilet Ruminations #3

I understand why men and women give themselves over to meditation. The brain is a tyrant. If we engage it it will only make us miserable. At least this is true for me. Who would not want a serene and peaceful life? A life relieved of pressure? Why don’t I give myself over to meditation? Fuck all these intellectual and psychological pursuits. Humans are not meant to get along. Not in the long-term. We were not constructed this way. Why do I keep trying? Why do I keep caring? Why do I seem incapable of stopping? Here I am day after day preoccupied by the same old crap. Not liking what this person did. Not liking what that person said. Always upset with what someone else is doing or not doing. It is a form of madness. Constant dissatifaction with everything (especially myself). Why cant I leave it alone? Why can I not be content within myself and let wife, parents, friends, clients, dogs, strangers do and say whatever the hell they want? Why is my state of mind so wrapped up in what others do or do not do? Am I really that dependent? It makes no sense to me. My brain is a garbage heap. Why do I keep walking around in the garbage heap? People are no good. We are no good. Why do I keep trying to create good or make good? I myself am no good. None of us are any good for each other. Why do I keep trying to make things good? It is an illness. I would be much better off if I could be happy with things being no good. With things being foul and a mess since this is the normal state of human relations. It is a virus to the human mind to think we always need things to be good. The way we think things should be. This only creates a terrible mess. I wish my ego was weak enough for me to devote myself to a life of meditation. To a life of not caring what others do because my brain is in a deep state of rest.



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