Toilet Ruminations #8

My wife can be so angry and mean sometimes. It is the strangest thing. Sometimes she is very nice, generous and considerate but at other times she is evil. Pure evil. She does things out of malice and disdain and harms me in ways she does not even consider. And then when I get angry about the harm she has imposed upon me she gets angry and indignant in return. It is madness. If she does something harmful towards me I am not allowed to get angry. She will become angry at me for being angry. “Are you still angry about that?” she will say. “Yes, I am angry! It hurt and you refuse to take responsibility and show remorse.” And then she will get angry or annoyed by this. She wants to be able to be evil and not have any repercussions from it. She wants to get away with whatever she does. She does not want to be held responsible for her evil actions. It pisses her off! No one is perfect. Everyone does fucked up things to one another. Humans are not meant to not harm one another. I have never not been harmed by a human I was close to. Humans are dangerous. Humans can be incredibly kind and generous but they can also be pure evil. We love to take credit for our generosity and kindness but our evil we live to deny. I myself can be evil but in lesser ways. I get angry and annoyed but do not deliberately do things that harm. Well, maybe I do sometimes. Maybe I am just as evil as all the rest. Maybe I too do not take responsibility for my evilness. I don’t care. I am not in question here. It is my wife who is so sweet and kind. My wife who is so loved by her parents and friends and as a result gets away with murder. When I try and hold her accountable it will be a long drawn out period of hell. Getting remorse from her is like trying to get water from a dry sponge. She will resist taking responsibility for her actions till the very end. She becomes defensive and says, “I was just….” or “You always……” She lessens her actions by making excuses or blowing up things I have done. Never is there a “My gosh, I am very sorry. That was terrible of me.” It is difficult to tolerate. Sometimes I want to scream so loud that I know would cause our suburban home to fall down. So I hold my fury in. I keep it to myself and try and get over it. Again and again (meditation helps). Such is marriage I suppose. A bitter fight till the end.

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