Toilet Ruminations #10

There is anxiety in my body. Maybe the coffee was too strong this morning. There is often the presence of anxiety in my body. A feeling of being on a very high ledge. If I fall off, this will be the end of me. At least this is what this feeling tells me. I realize that just because it feels dangerous does not mean that it is dangerous. This is the problem with feelings like anxiety. They rob a person of life. They tell a person that they are in danger, when they are not. But isn’t a person always in danger? Falling off that very high ledge can happen to any of us at any moment. This life thing that we are all doing is very frightening. In a sense the person with anxiety is all-to-aware that that ledge is there. People without anxiety are able to forget about it and just live. How I envy these people! How nice it must be to just live without any awareness of the abyss that one is always standing on the edge of. Sometimes being stupid has a real beneficial result! But anxiety is really a stupid feeling when you think of it. To always feel afraid of falling of this ledge when you are alive and fine right now is never being fully present in one’s life. It is living in expectation of the most terrible thing happening. A person with anxiety is fine now, but they live with this horrible expectation. Sure, one day they will eventually be right but it is a stupid bet. It is a bet that one must play thousands of times in order to win once. It makes no sense to live in this way. Anxiety is a sickness. It is like having a cold or diabetes. The illness is the brains continual manufacturing of this expectation of something terrible to come at any second. A healthy brain does not do this. The feeling of apprehension and uneasiness that the anxiety sufferer lives with is a symptom of the illness. But there are sirens all around. Tragedies all around. Horrors happening all around. The anxiety sufferer pays attention to these things because he or she knows that they are never far away. He or she is on a vigilant, 24-hour-watch. A look out that never ends. It is a terrible way to live and those moments when the mind is at peace are complete bliss for the anxiety sufferer. This may be why I spend so much time locked away in my bathroom, on my toilet, ruminating. It is peaceful in here. I am away from the dangers of the world. I can experience quiet but not calm. The anxiety is within me. The threat is within me. Even here on my toilet, the ledge is still right here.