Toilet Ruminations #12

I am tired. Very tired. I don’t want to get off this toilet seat. I should not feel so tired? Why do I feel so tired? Things are weighing me down. Nothing is weighing me down at the moment but the past few days have weighed me down. I can only carry so much weight and today I am exhausted. I am exhausted by other people. I am exhausted by trying to hold it together around other people. I am exhausted by having to be present for other people. I am exhausted by having to make money from other people. I am exhausted by other people’s banality. I am exhausted by having to be a certain kind of person for other people. I am exhausted by my own frustrations that thing are this way. I am exhausted by the expectation that life should be better. I am exhausted by the expectation that I should be more loved by other people. I am exhausted by the expectation that I should be more appreciated by other people. I am exhausted by the expectation that I should not be in the situation I am in. That I should be in a better place. How do I get myself into a better place? How do I get myself out of this situation? I don’t know. I am too tired to do anything. Too heavy. I just want to recline on my couch, read books and magazines and listen to music. My body does not feel well. My breath feels short. My body vibrates as if I stuck my finger into an electrical socket. I feel weak. I want to feel better. I will feel better in time. It is just for now that I feel like shit. It does not mean I have a terminal illness. Why does my mind go there when I feel unwell? I need to be out of my mind. I will read and listen to music. I will remain on my couch for the day. I will get free from my head and let my body recover from the drain of other people.

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