Toilet Ruminations #14

I’ve lost control over my life. It is true that we have no control over most things. There is little we are in control of. I get this. But there are things we do have control over. Like what? Like how much money we spend, how much booze we drink, how much we exercise, what jobs we work, who we associate with, what books we read, what music we listen to, how much and what we eat, who we date, how much time we spend on our smartphones, who we marry, who we have sex with, what mouth we stick our tongue in. There are many choices that we have full control over. I see this. But I feel like I am currently out of control. I drink more alcohol than I know I should. I do not eat the way I would like to eat. I do not work the job that I would want to be working. On a day-to-day basis I do not do the things I want to be doing (I often neglect these things). But you are not entirely out of control. You do some things that you want to do. You meditate everyday. You exercise. But you do do many things that you do not want to be doing. For example, you think a lot about going to strip clubs or hiring a prostitute. I understand that this is fun for you. That it is an escape. But you desire it a lot. It is continually on your mind. Something you are continually wanting. If you do do it, you spend more money than you would like and afterwards are left feeling frustrated. You could have spent all that money on books and/or records. But the allure of a beautiful naked woman is so strong and I can’t just go out and find it in a café. Sex is so repressed that unfortunately we have to pay for it or go to a strip clubs if we want to see and touch a naked beautiful woman. But if I was in control I am not so sure I would go. I would occupy my brain with more interesting things. More fulfilling things. Maybe. In many ways my life is out of control. A bundle of decisions that have been made for me. By whom I do not know but if I was in control my life would not be how it is now. I would not check my phone as much. I would not drink alcohol. I would find a more effective way to make a living. I would publish novels. Finish my graphic novel. I would probably move to a different city or town. I would be healthier. Stronger. I am not sure what I am getting at here. I am trying to figure out how it is that I am out of control and then organize a way of getting some control back. What do I really want? This is an important question. What do I want? What kind of life do I want to live? My wife is calling me. She thinks I am spending too much time on the toilet. I tell her I am trying to work things out. The bathroom is the only private space in this house. I have to go water the garden before the afternoon sun gets too hot.

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