Toilet Ruminations #15

Why is it I am so insecure about myself? I am continually changing my style all the time. I justify this to myself by telling myself that it is good to not stay stagnate with one look. To change one’s appearance often is art. It is a way to fight back the boredom. I suppose these justifications are true but there is something in me that feels like I should have one look and stick with it for a sustained period of time. Always changing one’s look can create confusion for oneself about who they are. It can also give others the impression that we are insecure. I wonder what others must think? One month I have a beard. One month I have a mustache. One month I am clean-shaven. One month my hair is curly and wild. One month it is combed straight back with a part to the side. One month it is shaved on the sides and back and one month I am growing it out. I must give the impression that I am in a state of continual confusion about how I look. I am confused. One month I feel like I want to look more refined. One month I want to look more bohemian. One month I do not care about how I look. One month I want to be dressing very nice and stylish. One month I want to wear all black and have more of a gothic look and the next month I want to dress like a middle-aged hipster with very nice style. There is no consistency in my head. If I see a middle-aged hipster who is nicely dressed but appears to be an idiot I no longer want to dress like that anymore. If I see someone who is dressed like a broke and lazy bohemian I no longer want to dress like that anymore. I seem not to want to look like anyone I see unless I do not think they are an idiot. I once met Nick Cave and then dressed like him for several months. And then I saw a man dressed like Nick Cave who seemed to be an idiot and I stopped dressing like Nick Cave and started dressing like a bohemian. My fashion sense is madness. It is susceptible to the slightest influence. If I think I look like an idiot I will change my style. When I have a beard with my hair parted to the side and shaved on the sides and back and then see too many guys with the same look I will start to hate myself. Despite the fact that I like the look I will shave my beard and have a mustache. If I see too many guys with mustaches I will them shave my mustache. Most men are clean shaven so once I am clean shaven that look will not last long. It is pure madness I tell you. How I look can change in a second. I can go from being completely in love with my beard to shaving it off my face because I noticed too many idiots with beards. I can enjoy dressing like a refined hipster but if I see a bohemian man who looks cool, I will start dressing like him. I can never know how I am going to look going into the next day or week. The way I look is as irregular as my moods. It is unpredictable and built upon a weak foundation. It is terrible to know that even though I like the way I look now, in twenty minutes things could radically change. What stability is there in this? How is a man supposed to build a solid and healthy ego formation when he can not even trust the way he looks? If a person’s conviction about their fashion sense is so weak that it can be completely eradicated within an hour, what is there for me to hold on to? Nothing is solid or stable. Nothing can be relied upon if a person can not even trust that how they look today is going to be how they look tomorrow. I now have my hair parted to the side. It is short on the sides and back. Yesterday I shaved my beard again and now have a mustache. I am dressing in all black and trying to have a more hip and refined fashion sense. I want to promise myself that I will keep the mustache for one year. That my hair will remain the same style for one year. That I will dress the same for one year. I really want to promise myself this. I need this. People must think that I am losing my mind. I think that I am losing my mind. I really need my look to remain the same for a long period of time. Please. It is getting ridiculous.

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