Toilet Ruminations #15

I notice that I do not want to talk to people. When I see people I do not feel excited or interested. I retreat. I feel inconvenienced and annoyed. These are my initial impulses. Once I force myself to smile or be pleasant I can open up more to people but initially I want to move away from all people. It is the same impulse anyone would have to loud mechanical sounds. For me the annoyance is the same when confronted with people. I imagine many people do not feel this way. When they see people they feel happy and warm. They feel like they would like to engage and connect. People who have these impulses are fortunate. We are surrounded by people. We are dependent on people in many ways. I imagine that the person who feels open and interested in people is a person who feels generally good. Even though I do not believe it, we are told that we are social creatures. We are told that our health and wellness depends on having other people in our lives. We are told that because we are social creatures we need a community that we feel a part of. But I do not believe it. We may have needed a tribe at one time but we are no longer Neanderthals living in jungles or forests (or wherever those people lived). Now we live separate and removed from one another, Lost in our own rotund worlds. It is time that we adapt to who we are now, which is a creature who is not as needy of other people. To hell with the tribe. We would benefit from being able to spend more time happily alone. We could benefit from feeling like we do not need friends. We could benefit by learning how to be happy on our own and not needing a community of people. People are good and nice because they help us out. They do things for us. Beyond this I do not think we need to be so dependent on people in our lives. Communities, friends, wives, girlfriends and parents have caused me much more pain in my life than good. People take up time that could be spent doing more meaningful things. People are problematic and to be avoided if possible. I do not think that those of us who chose to have less people in our lives should be seen as doing something wrong. We should not feel bad that we have no friends because if you really examine things you are probably choosing to have no friends. What rational person would want friends when you realize how much of your time friends take up? What can be duller than hanging out with friends? Yes, it is always a nice distraction but it is a waste of valuable time. I want a person to help me when I am in need (and I will be grateful for this) but I do not want to feel bad that I don’t really like people in most other ways. People are a drag. They talk about self-absorbed and dull things. Show me a person with interesting ideas and a unique way of presenting themselves and I will be immediately open and interested in them. Show me a person who is unique and stands out and I will be open and interested. But the vast majority of people inspire a retreat response in me. They are physical embodiments of boredom. I am annoyed by them before they even open their mouths. I do not want to hear what they have to say. Once I force myself through this initial withdrawal impulse I can and will engage. But I am not so interested in what they have to say. I just want to talk and find a way to get my ideas across. Somehow I feel like this will make the interaction more tolerable for both of us (since I assume that I am the one with the more profound, more insightful, more interesting ideas). What a narcissist (and/or realist) I must be.

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