Toilet Ruminations #23

I am always frustrated with my wife. I cannot tell if I am just not meant to be in a relationship with another human or if she is frustrating. Would she frustrate anyone in relationship with her or is it just me? Maybe I am just not fit for human interaction. She went away for a few days and I was free of this frustrated feeling and then when she returned the frustrated feeling returned. I am not a happy, tender guy most of the time. I am not often in a good mood. I am not interested in being sweet and loving most of the time. I suppose the pressure that I feel from her to be this way bothers me. She is so used to being adored by her parents that she expects it from me. But I am not this way most of the time. Most of the time I am anxious and do not feel great. The pressure to be sweet and loving and enthusiastic is annoying and the fact that she always seems disappointed in me when she does not get it is frustrating. Doesn’t being an adult mean that you are aware of who you are married to and cut out the childish expectations? But I have expectations of her as well. I have expectations that go unment and bother me. I ask her to do things and stick to them but she refuses. She will start doing yoga regularly for a week or two but then stop and start drinking more and overeating. This frustrates me. But I am not allowed to hold her accountable. Many things she does frustrates me. How she talks to me frustrates me. When she takes a shit and leaves the toilet seat up and does not bother to mask the smell frustrates me. It is an overall laziness and lack of mindfulness that frustrates me. But would I be frustrated with even the most disciplined and organized person? Probably but less so. My wife is remarkably disorganized and inconsistent. She is all over the map. As forgetful as my dog. This makes it extra challenging for me not to be frustrated. Not to go to bed frustrated. I have chosen a partner who looks good but is so insecure and disorganized that I face continual challenges with regards to not getting frustrated. But maybe I am not fit for human interaction. Maybe I am no good in relationships. Maybe I cannot be in relationship without getting frustrated. Maybe I am just frustrated with myself and when I see my own shortcomings in someone else, it really bothers me. Maybe if I was with a partner who did not reflect back to me my own shortcomings all the time, I could be less frustrated. Maybe if there was no pressure to be and act a certain way I would feel less frustrating. Even out relationships causes us to fake our behavior. This is frustrating.

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