Toilet Ruminations #24

I was invited to a Game Night tonight. My first reaction was “that sounds horrible.” Go eat, drink, socialize and play games on a Friday night. What a failure of human imagination. How dull. Why would I partake in such domestic crap? Maybe it would be good for me to socialize but when I socialize I am always bored and want to shoot myself. I try to ask people questions that get them to stop talking about such mundane and boring crap. I try to elevate the level of the conversation but it is difficult. The vast majority of people live very dull lives, have dull minds but think the things they talk about are of great interest to everyone. This is the worst kind of conversationalist. Really you think that talking about suicides at your kid’s school is really interesting me? You think that talking about your business or where you are going for your anniversary is of interest to me? I act like I am interested but inside all I can think is please shoot me. I tell myself to breathe. Just breathe. But I am frustrated that I have arrived at a point in my life where my relationships with other people generates only this level of communication. Who must I be then? I do not have many individuals in my life where I could find more interesting conversation. Conversation where I feel like I am not having to be fake. Where I do not feel like I am wasting my time. Conversation where I do not wish I had earplugs in. But I can not talk to people about things I am interested in. People never ask. There is rarely an opportunity. If I do talk about things I am interested in no one knows what to do. So I ask myself the question. What are you interested in? I am interested in deviance, whores, breaking the law, experimental music, countercultural contemporary literature, philosophy, rebellion, certain kinds of art, bad behavior, political radicalism, anarchy, outsiders, loners, perversion, film, social criticism, death, anxiety and meditation to an extent. Who is going to engage me about these things? Most people are too preoccupied with money, job, kids, what is on Netflix, the new Whole Foods. I never end up talking about what I am interested in. No one asks.  It stays in my head and that is where I remain as well. The idea of going to a Game Night where most people will talk about their own banal selves and not ask many questions about me, sounds like agony. I would rather get stoned and go to a strip club.

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