Toilet Ruminations #25

I’ve become a miserable man. I want to blame it on everything but all I can blame is myself. Why have you let this happen to you? I have always been a miserable man. I come from a long lineage of miserable men. True. But I would rather not be a miserable man. I don’t mind being negative but don’t want to be miserable. The misery creates too much stress. It feels like a brick sitting on your body. I spend most of my time analyzing what is wrong. What is not working and what could go horribly wrong. What is not working right. I need to end this. All of my thoughts are negative. Each and every fucking thought is a negative one. Is this because I am Jewish? Is this because of how I was raised? Not liking my job, struggling with anxiety, feeling alone in my life, not feeling healthy, not being a successful writer, my wife having an affair and myself suffering from ensuing jealousy, all the pressures of domestic life- all of these things perpetuate my negativity. My misery. But I need to find a way to knock it off. Maybe I need to stop these toilet ruminations. Too much rumination is not good for anyone. I spend almost an hour a day sitting on this toilet and ruminating. For what? It is not as if it is helping anything. It just makes my egocentricity more egocentric. Everything bothers me. Sounds bother me. The amount of people in the world bothers me. I could go on and on about what bothers me but I need to locate ways to not let things bother me. I don’t want to be miserable. How are you going to stop being a miserable man? You are almost fifty years of age. How are you going to stop a life long habit of thinking negatively? I must. All the negativity and misery is catching up with me. I need to find a way to reduce my own suffering. My wife tells me I need to be present more. This is true. I have a difficult time being present. Being here and now. Need to work on this. May need to get sex addiction under control. Too much time thinking about and pursuing sex. Too much time. It is not healthy for anyone. And then the jealousy. My wife wants to date and have sex with other men and be married to me. It does make me jealous. The jealousy make me angry at her. I need to find a way to overcome this jealousy. I want her to be with other men. Less pressure on me to perform. Makes her more attractive to me. But I need to get this jealousy under control before it makes me a bitter, sick man. I do not want to be a bitter, sick man. Maybe I have already become a bitter, sick man. I am spending too much time on this toilet. Need to get up now.

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