Toilet Ruminations #26

Today I will let my mind be quiet. Quiescence of mind will be my goal. To just sit in tranquility. Listen to records. Remain aware of my breathing. Whipe away all notions from my mind. Give up all desire. Discard all words which I use to think. Then I can be in a state of quietude. A transcendental state. No longer tormented by the torpitude of my mind. My mind is so addicted to desire, notions and words. I am caught up in these things continually. Like a fly stuck in a terrible web. Departing from words, notions and desires so that I can enter into a state of quietude sounds frightening. I feel resistance towards doing it. Who will I become? Do I have to give up on my books, my love of prose and language, my philosophy? No more pursuing sex and debauchery? No more being caught in the arrows of passion and suffering? No more striving to be a countercultural novelist? No more interest in ruminating? I have always seen art as a privileged space to give a radical form to one’s perspective on the world. I aspired to fill this space with excess, despair and misery. Art that comes from these negative places is what holds my interest. Not art that is conceptualized or marketed. What will happen to my despair and excess, my art, once I enter this space of quietude? Will it vanish? Will it grow dull? Maybe the kind of art I aspire to create can not exist within a space without notions, words and desires? It can not flourish within tranquility? I am afraid of this place called quietude. I resist it. But my resistance is making me sick. The burning passions consume me. I prefer not to live like this. I don’t want to sacrifice myself on the alter of art. I don’t want to be that person. But a part of me is that person. This is the part of me that resists quietude. Resists tranquility. But I am tired of this part of me. It gets me nowhere good. When this part of me is in control I burn up in suffering. I become miserable. This part of me can not function without words, notions and desires. I wonder what will happen when I discard these things. Can I discard these things? Today I will be quiet. Even if there is noise. I will be quiet in the noise.

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