Toilet Ruminations #29

The only thing I have ever aspired to be is a beatnik. I am almost fifty and have not attained it yet. I live in a conservative suburb outside of Los Angeles. A conservative suburb outside of Los Angeles is as far away as the moon from other beatniks. I have air conditioning and a large backyard with sprinklers. I have a housekeeper and a gardener. This is not very beatnik. I shop on Amazon regularly. I dont recycle. I work a professional job as a psychologist, have a lot of debt and expenses and am stressed out much of the time. This is not very beatnik. I sometimes masturbate to pornography and sleep with prostitutes. I am not sure if this is beatnik. If you knew me I do not think you would think that I was a beatnik as much as I wish that you would see me as a beatnik. I look professional and well put together. Most women seem to desire me because of my good looks, my nice clothes and my profession. This is not very beatnik. I once knew a guy who owned a bookstore in San Fransisco. It was a used bookstore. He would hang out in the bookstore all day with his dogs, listen to Bob Dylan records, read and smoke weed and cigarettes. This is beatnik. I knew another man who was in his early sixties. He lived in Oakland, had stained teeth from all the coffee he drank and always wore a beard and a long trench coat. Everyday after work he would hang out outside a pub and drink bear, read and smoke cigarettes and weed. He would talk a lot of shit about society. This is beatnik. There are certain things I do that are beatnik. I own and listen to a lot of records. I own and read a lot of books. I smoke weed less than I would like to. I drink beer and wine on a daily basis. I meditate and study Zen Buddhism with a Buddhist monk. I have facial hair, wear white Chuck Purcells with all black pants and shirts and socks. I am a loner most of the time. I draw and paint. I write fiction and talk a lot of shit about society in the things I write. Sometimes I go to derelict strip clubs.  I grew up in San Fransisco but am now exiled. I spent much of my youth in City Lights Bookstore. There is much about me that is beatnik but it is obscured by this other shit which seems to come along with being an adult. This need to make a living. This living in a nice home in the suburbs. This having to act like a professional so that others will pay me. This need to work a job and appear to be someone who can have cultural legitamacy. There are many things about me that obscure the beatnik lifestyle I would like to live. I have not figured out how to do it yet without being broke. I am still trying to figure it out Jack Kerouac. Maybe I can publish a book about How To Be An Adult Beatnik and then make millions? But I have not figured it out yet so I can not write that book. If I was living in San Francisco it may be easier to be a beatnik but I do not think that beatniks can afford to live in San Francisco any longer. How sad is that? San Francisco without beatniks is like the middle-east without repressed women.

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