Toilet Ruminations #31

Screw me. Screw you. Screw everyone. This is the point I am at and it is only Wednesday. The sky is covered with smoke. The sky is covered with smoke and no one seems to be freaking out. People just going about business as normal. But the sky is covered with smoke. Are we losing our minds. I have had enough with people. Monday through Tuesday is all I can take. After Tuesday I have had enough. I need to retreat from other people. But no, I still have to work. What a mess. I have to work at this job that drains me. I have to talk to people. I have to listen to people for long periods of time. It takes everything out of me. By Tuesday. But I have to keep doing it because I need the money. I need to support my lifestyle even though my lifestyle is now covered by a sheet of apocalyptic smoke. I have to work this draining job to make money to support my life. I could be doing more meaningful things with my time. I could be doing things I enjoy doing but I have to work this job. I don’t like talking with people. I should have never become a psychologist in the first place but I thought it was the only way to avoid having a boss. It is just my personality to not like talking to people. People are not my preference. People drain the fuck out of me. I need two days to recover from the drain of people. No one understands this. We live in a society that is heavily extroverted. We are taught from a young age to think that not wanting to talk with people and being drained by people is bad and wrong. We are taught that it makes us unlovable and then introverts end up feeling guilty because they do not like talking to people. They feel as if they are doing something wrong. This extroverted conditioning makes an introvert feel like they are negative and bad. Few people understand the torment introverts go through in this extroverted world. I feel angry at myself for not being able to find a better situation for myself. For being stuck in this drudgery. For not being able to make a living doing something that feels like who I am as a person. I long for this. I am longing constantly to find this for myself. But I am often too drained to have the motivation to do anything about it. All I can really do is sit here on this toilet and ruminate about it. Then I have to force myself to get ready for work.

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