Toilet Ruminations #32

Maybe I do not like people because I am afraid of them. I don’t like feeling scrutinized by other people but this is what other people do. They scrutinize us. I really don’t like this. I don’t want to have to deal with it. I want to be accepted for who I am but I know that when I am being myself people will immediately judge. So I would rather avoid people. I can not stand being judged negatively. It really upsets me. I want to be able to accept myself for the weirdo freak that I am. I do not like hiding this part of myself. But there is a side of me that has been conditioned by society. This side of me judges the weirdo freak that I am. This side of me tells the weirdo freak that he better stay quiet, stay anonymous or else he will cause me to fail. If people find out about the weirdo freak that I am everything will be lost. I will not succeed. So I hide. As a result I get moody, feel trapped and drained. Any annoying thing that someone does will trigger me. Just the presence of my wife will trigger me when I am in this state. Anything will upset me. In my head I am thinking, “You should be better, you should know better, you are stuck in your life and you are incapable of attaining the things that you want.” And then I am just miserable towards everyone and everything. It will take me till Sunday to return to a normal state. Then I start all over again.

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