What I need is an affair with a depraved woman. A woman whose life is pornography. Not a sweet and tender woman but a woman with a total lack of standards and decency. I need a woman who gives the impression of being free. Not a woman who seems to be stuck in a jail of her own domesticity. I want to have an affair with a woman who does not let all the inventions and conventions of society get in the way of her living. A woman who ignores conventions and can remain calm while doing so. A woman who can take the whole heap of obstacles and push them aside while continuing to do her own thing. I realize that in America this is difficult to come by. Especially in suburban American. In suburban America women have become pacified and routinized. They have grown dull (and plump) on their smartphones and in front of their televisions. The only thing that seems to undo the uptightness is yoga. This is why yoga is popular with the painfully normal. They have grown so uptight and buried beneath conventions that yoga is the only radical thing these women can do to stretch themselves out. I want a woman who seeks out male and female genitals and not a yoga pose. A woman who wants to take a man in her mouth and who will not stop until she gets it. A woman whose sexual appetites cannot be satiated. A woman who must have sex all afternoon long. I need this woman to rescue me from the horrible banality of this domestic life. I realize that only I can save myself but one way that I am attempting to save myself from this rotten banality is to state to myself what I need. I need a woman with a lot of heart. So much heart that she refuses to be conformed. An uninhibited woman who is not afraid to talk about what she wants. Who can recite poetry that she loves. Who smokes and drinks while laughing at everyone. Who shows enough breast and leg to offend everyone. Who does not care about sticking her tongue in my ear even with a father and son near. A woman who is addicted to being seductive and refuses to pick her nose in front of anyone. These women do not exist in America. Maybe they do in big cities but in the suburbs these women have been castrated. We have all grown dull here. Conventions and social inventions have gotten the best of us. We follow the rules. We watch what we eat and we think drinking too much is bad. We exercise and make sure we work hard. We only accept what is positive. We are obsessed with becoming all that we can be. Optimizing who we are. We are so obsessed with optimization that we have forgotten how to live. We have lost all soul in exchange for needing to keep the air conditioner on. We have forgotten how to live with sweat and discomfort. We have forgotten how to suffer poetically. We desperately need to follow the rules and feel comfortable. The American suburbs are a truly awful place. The big trucks, the American flags, the obsession with money and property, the conformity, the television addictions, the air-conditioned nightmares. No woman like the one I want could ever survive in this.