Toilet Ruminations #45

I am not able to succeed at anything on-line. I have tried and do not know why I keep trying. Renunciation is the only real power humans have anymore. Our ability to renounce things is what can help us to be free and happier. But I do not renounce the things I know I should. I am a slave to the things I cannot renounce. I have been blogging for over a decade and have had no success. No one has wanted to interview me. No one has seeked me out. No one has wanted to publish anything I write. I blog into the void. I spend all this time and energy writing to the void. All of my blogging efforts could be described as a letter to the void. A nothingness on-line. My efforts to do Twitter and Instagram have all been unremarkable. I try to post regularly but get little back. Maybe a person needs to stick with these things for years to get results. I get few results. I will post things that I think are very good and unique and get little back. I will start to think that my work is no good. Even on Instagram and Twitter I am met by the void. I do Tinder and Bumble hoping to meet an attractive girl to have fun sexual experiences with but nothing ever happens. I am an attractive older man but no one seems to like me. Maybe I am too honest in my profile where I say I am looking for sex. But isn’t this what all men are doing on these dating apps? We are all looking for sex but many prefer to play the game. I do not want to play the game. I prefer getting to the point. I am looking for sex. But I come up empty. Even on Tinder and Bumble I am swiping into the void. I end up wondering if I am not as attractive as I think. Maybe I am an ugly man. Maybe it is my hair or my face. Maybe it is how I dress. I begin to feel insecure and bad about myself.  All my efforts to find recognition go flat. The digital, on-line world is nothing but a world of failure for me. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am too old. Maybe there is something that I am doing wrong. I am just doing what I like to do and it comes back with no success. If the on-line attention a person gets is a reflection of their literary, artistic and personal success I am not doing very well. It is discouraging but I have a feeling the on-line world makes almost everyone feel this way. Maybe being on-line is just not the place for me. I have too much depth for the digital universe. I know that if I renounced Instagram, Twitter, Blogging, Dating Apps I would be a happier man. The vast majority of people these arenas attract are superficial and empty people and this is why I am met with what feels superficial and empty every time I engage with these digital arenas. But I keep at it. I keep doing it. I seem incapable of renouncing all of it. I suppose I fear the obscurity which would be the result of letting the digital world go.

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