I’ve been avoiding sitting on the toilet and ruminating today. Last evening was a rough night. Thoughts spinning out of control, vivid fearful dreams and waking up with my heart racing. Not a restorative night’s sleep. I wish I could understand why this sort of thing happens to me since it happens fairly frequently. I was angry before bed. I thought of myself as an oven with a flame burning on high within it. I was heated on high. I let my wife sleep with another man. I thought it sounded kinky and she wanted to do it. My wife needs sex like a flower needs soil. She is less of a person when she is not having regular, good sex. When she is not being made to feel how hot she is. I thought having sex with a stranger would be good for her and kinky for me. I also could be relieved from the pressure to fulfill her for a bit. Let someone else do the work. She met the guy and then brought him back to the house. I was in bed when they got home. They proceeded to have vigorous, passionate sex on our new Ikea couch and I stood by the bedroom door and listened. They were really going at it. Kissing sounds, sounds of suction, sounds of thumping and swooshing and sounds of ecstasy. I wanted to sneak out into the hallway and watch but the door made creaking sounds every time I tried to open it. So I stayed put in the bedroom and listened (I noticed that I also felt shy about watching my wife have sex with a stranger in our living room). Once they finished an hour or so later I jumped back in bed and pretended to be asleep. My wife took a shower and came to bed and I lay there on fire. My brain was burning with jealousy. I was thinking about all the ways she would leave me and fall in love with this guy. She had a long affair and deceived me once before so I would be a fool to think she would not do it again. I was pissed at her for having sex with this guy for so long. For kissing him and exchanging bodily fluids. For really going at it. I thought I would find it fun and kinky, and I did to an extent, but it pissed me off more than I thought. I am a jealous man. I have a terrible fear of being abandoned. As much as my mind wants to do all sorts of sleazy sexual things with my wife, my heart seems to think differently about it. This upsets me. I wish I could be ok with her having sex with other men. I wish I could be turned on and comfortable with her having sexual relationships outside of our marriage. Monogamous sex grows dull. I wish I did not have difficulty with her exploring her sluttiness outside of the marriage. I want this. Sounds fun and experimental. But every time I give her permission to explore I grow jealous. I get angry at her. My insides catch fire. It is almost as if I am emotionally incapable of having a more non-conventional, sexually explorative, polyamorous relationship. My abandonment issues seem stronger than my sexual fantasies. Maybe if she did not have the affair it would be easier but it was still difficult before the affair. Even when we would do things as a couple I would grow jealous and mad afterwards. Maybe I have never really trusted her. Maybe I have always known that she would deceive me and this is why I felt uncomfortable after any kind of sexual interaction with other people. Any woman who is able to get off just like she does with you with another man or woman is always a woman to be concerned about. She has what it takes to hurt you. Some of us men love these sorts of women. We find them incredibly appealing and fun to have sex with. These sorts of women are the object of our desire but we better be careful what we desire. Sometimes our desires can turn on us and make our days and nights into a living hell. You better make sure you are emotionally equipped to handle the weight of your sexual desires and I wonder if I am. I wish there was a class for this sort of thing. This trial and error process is taking quite a toll on me. I wish the day would come where she could sleep with anyone and I would not be in the least bothered by it. Happy that she went out and had fun. Doesn’t seem to be happening yet. I know women are dangerous. I have been hurt by every woman I have ever loved. I need to be so comfortable and independent within myself that I would not care if she left me for another because I know I would be fine. I am obviously not there. I still need too much from her. I am too dependent on her love and attention. Her loyalty (or lack of it). This is never a good thing. It disgusts me that I am this way.
Zev Bauhaus 4 Minutes
Published by Zev Bauhaus