Toilet Ruminations #51

I am always an angry man. It feels this way at least. Not the kind of angry that screams and yells although I probably should. I stew. I hold my anger in. I swallow my anger for fear of what would happen if I let it loose. I should lock myself in a room today and scream and yell. Shake things off. For awhile I have been thinking this would be good for me. I stuff too much. I control my anger because I know if I let it loose there would be terrible consequence. I also don’t believe in explosive rage. It is a failure of a human beings ability to self-regulate. So I keep anger to myself. I express my anger to my wife in regulated ways. But I still feel this terrible build up of pressure within me. What would life be like free of anger? I have been angry all my life. I grew up with an angry father. If a person has an angry father they spend the first quarter of their life angry at their father and themself. I have always been angry. Always upset about something. Impossible to please. I do not think the anger will stop. In a relationship my anger takes flight. My anger has a playground in which to project itself. It takes note of all the things my partner is doing wrong. They are not loving me enough. They are not taking good enough care of me. They are not eating right or exercising enough. I am continually aware of all the ways that my partner is failing me and themselves. It is impossible for them to compete. I will always be angry about something they are doing or not doing. Too irresponsible. Not washing the car enough. Not paying bills on time. Not physically affectionate enough. Sleep in too much. Not trying to have stimulating intellectual conversation with me. Not cooking healthy meals enough for me. Not coming on enough to me. Not exercising enough. Not keeping clean enough. Not being organized. Not eating right. Not being slutty enough. Not reading enough. Playing too many video games. Being too immature. Not filling our refrigerator with healthy food enough. No making plans for us to do something fun enough. Not going for walks with me. Not paying enough attention to me. Not doing what I think is right. This is ridiculous. My anger is totalitarian and seems to be a result of how I think my partner should be subservient to what I think is right and good. Why am I so ridiculous? Why am I so co-dependent? Why am I not able to take better care of myself? Why do I care what my partner does or does not do? It is true that some of my complaints and issues with my partner or other people are correct. They may be unaffectionate, lazy and irresponsible. But why do I care so much to get upset about it? To get so upset that I stew in anger all night long? Why do I care if someone chooses to eat poorly, be lazy and unmotivated, not give me the attention I want? Why can’t I just do my own thing without being so effected? It seems as if I am hard wired for anger. Hard wired to always look outside myself for others to do what I think they should do so that I can feel more in control within myself. To be dependent on others for this feeling of internal control. This is crap. I don’t like this about myself. It keeps me unwell. I need to be able to love and remain open and kind even if the other person is acting like a complete irresponsible, undisciplined, stupid idiot. Why am I so fearful? So attached? This is a very bad habit. Keeps me angry all the time. I don’t like it. Wish I could just spit it out. I will probably never fully understand where it comes from or why it happens. It overtakes me. I am helpless against it no matter how much I look to masturbation, sexual depravity, books and meditation for relief.

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