Toilet Ruminations #52

I am grateful for the life I live. A feeling of gratitude (if that is what it can be called) does not always escape me. It often arises in me unexpected. This morning as I turned on the sprinklers in the backyard and swept the deck a wave of gratitude came over me. But for me gratitude is never divorced from melancholy. With gratitude I feel sadness over the fleeting nature of all life. That none of this is going to last. That we are all going to go. That everything has ended and will continue to end. I enjoy my life with my wife. She is a fun, charismatic woman who is free-spirited and sometimes in a pissy mood. The time we spend together is of great value to me. They are sacred moments. Wether we are engaging in sexual debauchery, tanning nude in the garden or driving in the car- I am grateful for our time together. But it is always in retrospect. In the moment I am usually angry or upset about something. I am in a hurry to get someplace else. I am dissatisfied and wanting more. I am bored or upset that I am not getting much attention. I am a madman. But then in retrospect I feel this feeling of good fortune. Of luck to be able to live the life I do with my wife. We have many wonderful times together and I seem unable to see this in the moment. It is only in retrospect that I am able to see and feel it. But then I am sad that these times have ended and I had made such a living shit show out of it. I can only hope that more times will come and I will be a be able to be better at feeling satisfied in the moment. Maybe it is the nature of being human that we are only satisfied in retrospect. The we can only really appreciate something once it is gone. I am a depressive realist. I believe that all life is suffering. That we have created a dehumanizing and destructive society that makes us all sick and keeps us in chains. I believe that life is fundamentally tragic and meaningless and it is up to us to create whatever meaning we want to experience. There is no singular right way. There is no ultimate authority. Laws are not correct. Politics is arbitrary. Norms are made up. Our social behavior is scripted. We are all making it up as we go. But at the same time life is very satisfying. It is very (I hate to use the word) beautiful and immense and filled with so much freedom. In retrospect, I can see how fortunate I was to experience all of those micro-moments. Drinking beer with my wife, sitting at the dinner table with my wife, sitting on the couch with my wife scrolling through our phones. All these little micro-moments that I took for granted while they were happening. We were free in those moments. Free from the burdens of work. Free from the burdens of other people. Free from our socially assigned roles and limitations. Free from all obligations. Free from death and illness. But I was still unhappy and unsatisfied, failing to appreciate those moments of freedom my wife and I experienced together. Now the work week begins again. The freedom is gone. Now we must be separated, our responsibilities and obligations keeping us apart. We must focus our attention on other people in order to make the money we need to live our lives. We must be in a hurry. We must play social roles that tire both of us out. I am sad that I don’t appreciate our time together as I should. There seems to be a defect in my brain. Maybe I am incapable of handling the expereince of freedom. Maybe I am so conditioned to be enslaved that I don’t know what to do with myself when free. So I create problems which do not need to be there. I am grateful for the life my wife and I have together. I am sad that it always ends with regrets. I can only hope that there is more to come. Need to try to do a better job of appreciating it when it is here. Time to get up, put on my costume and go to work.

2 thoughts on “Toilet Ruminations #52

  1. Freedom takes some getting used to I believe. And I don’t think it’s in whatever our personal time line might be that we realize this. And learn to live in it. Whether it’s a free mind. Free life, free expression etc. we have to learn it from experiences of the opposite or like you’ve pointed out here, what we’ve neglected or missed.
    I do love this post
    And I think most of our lives are realized in hindsight, it’s the way we work.
    An older person I know recently said to me, “people talk about remembering a time as the best time in their lives. If they could only see that one day they’ll look back at what’s current now and say the same thing. You’re always living the best time in your life”
    How supremely wise

    Liked by 1 person

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