Toilet Ruminations #53

Every time I press that Place Your Order button I get a rush. It is a feeling of revenge. A feeling of justice. A feeling of doing something I am not supposed to do but I am doing it anyways. To hell with you. Buying things on Amazon is the way I feel fairly compensated for all the crap I have to go through to make a living. During the course of a normal work day I will suffer miserably. Encountering other people causes me to feel the stress of social anxiety rising up in me and threatening to swallow me whole. Wresting with social anxiety is like wrestling with a strong whale. It continually threatens to pull you under. It is a struggle all the way through. All the way until you are alone in your room and able to take the time to recover. Social anxiety and all its attending miseries will not let you out of its grip until you are alone. And even then it may still gnaw on you. And while you are wrestling with this horrible beast of a whale while around other people you must act like everything is fine. Like you are normal, even happy. Here you are fighting for your life and you must appear to be happy and calm. What a horrible affliction social anxiety is. Being around other people in any form is the ocean within which this beast swims around and around. It leaves its victim feeling drained of all life. Feeling doomed. And the only feeling of justice he can have while in the middle of this work week hell is to push the Place Your Order on Amazon. Monday through Friday I will push this button dozens of times. I will buy books, supplements, lights, clothes, shoes, water filters, sex toys, energy drinks, boxes of candy, air filters, colored socks, DVDs, exercise equipment, music, headphones, chairs, desks and on and on. I will find everything I do not need from the comfort of my couch or desk. I will find things I never even wanted. I will fill my home with things from Amazon. But to push or click that Place Your Order button makes everything feel ok. I feel fairly compensated in that moment. If I am going to slave away for money. If I am going to suffer miserably at work and place immense stress on my physical body you better believe I am going to buy what I want on Amazon. What would be the point of doing all this work, suffering daily in this way if I can’t buy whatever pops into my mind? Amazon is brilliant in this way. I can think of something I don’t need, pull out my smartphone, find it and then feel that sense of justice and fairness when I click on the Place Your Order button. I feel guilty or bad because I feel like I should not be spending my hard-earned money in this way. That I am wasting the money earned from my hard work, like water leaking through a crack in a cup. But how else am I supposed to endure this work week? I need some sort of reciprocation. Something to show for all my suffering and servitude. Some way to feel like it is all worth the struggle. The Place Your Order button on Amazon is the best thing I have found this far. It allows me to feel more willing to get myself up and go back to work. To hell with you capitalism. To hell with you social anxiety. If you are going to chew me up and then spit me back up, I am going to buy a bunch of crap on Amazon. Fair is fair.

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