Toilet Ruminations #55

I am rarely ever happy to see people. Am I ever happy to see people? Maybe my wife after she has been gone for a while. Maybe my sister and parents after I have not seen them for a while. But I am never happy to see anyone one else. I realize that if I was in desperate need I would then probably be elated to see anyone who could help me. But in normal, everyday circumstances I am never happy to see anyone. Normally I feel inconvenienced. Bothered and perturbed. I try to hide my perturbation with a smile and a “Nice to see you” greeting but deep down I want you to leave me alone. The presence of people is an annoyance. I wonder why? I see them as dumb, preoccupied with petty concerns. Their being is dull and self-absorbed. I am not interested in conversing with them. I would rather not open that door. There was a time when I would try a lot more. I would make an effort to be happy to see people and to then engage with them. But after twenty years or so of doing this I have stopped. I no longer pretend that human interaction is going to satisfy me. I no longer try to fool people as much that I am happy to see them. I no longer try and engage with people for fear of being disliked by them. Why make the effort when I know that it will just be dull and draining? I presume that working as a psychologist has contributed to this. I have to interact with so many different people for my job. I have to focus on them for long periods of time. I have to try hard to be interested in their banalities. I have to make a strenuous effort to be helpful and engaging. When I am not working this is the last thing I want to do, especially if I am not getting paid for it. Why should I make an effort to talk to you when I normally make $250.00 an hour for doing that sort of thing. Do you think I am going to engage with you for free? If you were paying me I would make more of an effort. I would try harder but since I am not being paid by the people I encounter outside of work, I am not going to try. If you hug me I will hug you back. If you say hello I will say hello back. If you talk with me I will listen but I will try not to keep the conversation going. I will use few words. The truth is that the vast majority of people we encounter in our lives are a drain. They are like watching a dull soap opera. They are just waiting for their chance to speak about themselves. They have little of interest to offer to the world. I have learned this lesson now after being a psychologist for so many years. If I am not working I am not going to engage with people. This sounds like drudgery to me. I do not understand people who are continually seeking out social interactions. People who are constantly wanting to talk with other people. What unimaginative and dull lives they must lead. People are not inherently bad. Well, maybe they are. Look at what we are doing to the planet. That can not be the effect of inherently good people. I take that back. People are probably a mixture of good and bad and everything in-between but the vast majority of people are so dull that I will do anything to avoid them. Show me an interesting person. Someone who thinks about things in an original way and lives outside of the norm. Then I will be interested in talking with this person all day long. For free. But I live in the suburbs. How often am I going to encounter someone like this? The suburbs turn people dull and unless I am getting paid I prefer to avoid the vast majority of them.

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