Toilet Ruminations #56

I am a victim of one of the largest forms of manipulation and social conditioning placed upon a person. In Western society most of us are. This idea of monogamy. It is not natural. It is not organic. It is an idea created by someone at some point and this idea has spread like a virus. We are all now so committed to this idea that we become violently inflamed when it is opposed or threatened. But it is just an idea that we all take as something that is natural and normal. But it is not natural and normal. It is a limitation. It is a belief. It is a particular way of thinking about being in a relationship. Monogamy is a belief system. It is a particular belief in an idea about how we think a romantic relationship should be. We believe that people should pair up in a very limiting and particular way. I can understand this idea of monogamy in certain ways. It prevents confusion about pregnancy. It allows a couple to significantly reduce their chances of getting a sexually transmitted disease. Maybe for these reasons alone, monogamy should be thought of as a legitimate way to be in relationship with another person. Monogamy has value because it protects a person from these confusions and dangers. But it still does not make monogamy the fundamental and only acceptable idea about how to be in relationship. It is just a particular belief in a particular way of being in a relationship. It is nothing more than a belief and most people are extreme fundamentalists when it comes to this belief in monogamy. So much so that those who are not monogamous are seen as terrible and awful human beings. How is this any different from say a Muslim thinking those who do not believe in Mohamed are wretched human beings? And even though monogamy has benefits of protecting one against sexually transmitted diseases and confusion around pregnancy it is not full proof. Plenty of people have affairs when in monogamous relationships. Plenty of people get sick and die when in monogamous relationships. Plenty of people are lied to and manipulated in monogamous relationships. Monogamous relationship are a poor substitute for a solution to the difficulties of life. In fact monogamy can make life more difficult for most people since anyone who is only with one person for a long period of time is going to grow frustrated and bored with that person. It is human nature to seek out variety. We seek out variety in everything we consume and do, why should who we are in relationship with be exempt from this? Human beings are variety seeking creatures and this is why monogamy is abnormal and not natural for humans. This is why monogamy will make most people less healthy and dulled down over time. It is important to take risks. To be brave. To open up our beliefs and ideas about relationships so there can be more flow and variety. So things can be more interesting and engaging. Monogamy creates such a narrow space around a person. The vast majority of people in monogamous relationships can not move without their partner feeling jealous, hurt, ignored, abandoned and on and on. Who is that you are talking to? Who is that who texted you? Did you just check her out? It is pathetic. How exhausting. But monogamy feeds into our fear. We grab on to another person because we are afraid of being alone and being hurt. We watch their every move to make sure they are honoring us. That they are dedicated to us. How arrogant. Because of this arrogance and fear the other person will feel drained and suffocated. Like they can’t move without doing something wrong. Unhappiness will be the end result. The moment we try to make another human being our possession we will run into suffering and misery. People can not be possessed. Human beings have agency and freedom. Human beings are healthiest and happiest when not boxed in by anything or anyone. Monogamy is a thick box with no windows. But it has become the main religion for the vast majority of humans living in Western society. Monogamy has turned us into possessive and dull animals. We need to get better at letting each other be free.

29 thoughts on “Toilet Ruminations #56

  1. My god. You just spoke my heart and mind in ridiculous accuracy I feel speechless.

    I have so often tried to express this to others and I’ve gotten a similar reaction as you did up above. We are constantly changing beings, shifting and growing and most importantly here, individual. We will definitely change our attractions. As will people we become intimate with and it’s a natural happening.
    It doesn’t mean we should go around betraying and hurting people we love. As you said what we’ve set up in society is failure for ourselves and that’s evident in every statistic there is. Not a moral decline people, but a terrible soceietal structure. My word.

    Anyhow,
    Thank you, I’d reblog this but I don’t like to do that to people lol

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    1. Thank you for your comment! I agree with you! Monogamy is so darn stagnant. How can I say this…. with monogamy comes this belief system that “I am so happy with my partner. Everything is wonderful.” But this is just a fundamental belief system. It is not actually true under closer examination. But people stick to this belief just like they stick to their belief in a god. If you challenge them on it they will become enraged. So I choose not to challenge. Let people have their delusions if these delusions make them happy, right? I agree with you that monogamy is a terrible societal structure. Oh well, they are missing out on all the fun that can be had from breaking free of it:) But if they are really happy being monogamous, then great. The problems is when everyone thinks that the only acceptable way is monogamy. Feel free to share the post. I don’t mind about reblogging. Once I post something on the internet I know it is no longer mine.

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      1. And I suppose I should be a bit more articulate, I don’t believe that monogamy is a wrong thing, as you mentioned, if people are content then they should live in whatever ways they see fit.
        When I’ve fallen in love I do often choose monogamy for different reasons depending on the level of commitment we’ve chosen. The relationship between two intimate souls is nurtured so well and deeply when it’s between them without outside influences. And I do think intimacy with other people is a remarkable experience and growth period.
        I’m definitely caught up in this social structure, but as I’ve aged and so clear to see that these constraints and restraints we put on each other don’t come from love, they come from self focus and ego. They set us up for betrayal and lies, hiding and denying ourselves. And this has evolved for me, early on I had decided lifetime relationships were just created by societies and fear. They are rare. We are more likely to make our selves home to a few deep relationships in our life and even though some parting have hurt in my life, if there’s honesty about feelings and no deception I can’t argue someone against leaving me. Lol. In fact, I love and want them to be happy in their lives right? That’s at least what people are professing. So why not live by your declarations. If you love someone, genuinely and unselfishly love them.

        These days I try to take each individual as they come into my life. I don’t relationship often, of course from negative experiences. Recognizing duplicity has become an art form for me, but in the back of my mind is the lingering thought that while we’re all responsible for ourselves, people are just surviving in the best ways they know how. But when I do relationship now it’s an attempt at being more open. Gotta work at getting rid of old security habits, especially when they end up biting you in the ass later.

        Sorry for being so wordy

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      2. Good point: “Gotta work at getting rid of old security habits, especially when they end up biting you in the ass later.” This is the key in relationship I think. To be able to be fully independent while in relationship. To be able to love without becoming dependent. I think this is a process. relationships are not nouns, right? They are more like verbs. We need to be able to adapt as they morph and change. When I met my wife she was the love of my life. We were fully in love. Soul mates. We still love each other deeply but the relationship has changed. She wants to date other people. I want to sleep with other women. We still love each other and are tight but things have evolved. I am learning to be less fearful and dependent. To let her go while still being married. She is 15 years younger than me, she still needs to have her fun:) Maybe monogamy is not a solid thing. One day it is monogamy and the next it is polyamory. It is a living thing and shifts and changes daily. It is when we try and keep monogamy from changing and evolving that we run into problems I think. Thanks for your comment. I like how you think.

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      3. I think the differences in people were with are a catch twenty two. Ha. Those are the things that stimulate us, intrigue us, attract us. But they are also the things that create the friction and often times the end.
        Because of the way I grew up (I’m a therapists drempam by the way) I was left alone as far as being nurtured and loved as children need so I ended up only knowing independent everything. When I’m in love, I’m independent in love regarding most things. But other people, men I’ve loved, find this super challenging. Those differences become incredibly apparent then.

        whenever we react or act in fear it has negative results. I’ve learned anyhow.

        I am enamored by the way you think! Glad to have discovered your blog

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      4. Thank you! An independent woman is always a desirable woman. Or maybe it is more fair to say that an independent anything is always more appealing than a dependent one. So I suppose your early life situations turned out to be an asset for you.

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      5. In some ways perhaps, but I think that as I do a little more sifting and shifting they will be more of an asset. I lived a very long life with them just existing inside me with no outlet. It’s been a more recent change to let them out and begin letting them truly move me.

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  2. I used to think in this sort of direction. Let me re-work that: I used to entertain these kinds of ideas for awhile — I never actually thought the way that you seem to. It is true that diversity and curiosity is a big drive, has been in my life, and this is easy to cast into terms of independence, etc. Even in matters not having to do with love relationships. In fact, moreso in such matters. (For me it took the forms of wanting to dabble with every conceivable musical instrument, wanting to visit and even live/work in every locale or country, wanting to know every language). And I would also say it has been true in my life that seeing and experiencing things from many different angles has been a useful habit, quickly enabling me to adapt to new situations or offer appropriate help in some specific one.

    But I’d have to conclude that I’ve outgrown the seductiveness of this kind of approach to life. Does it simply come down to age? Reflecting, I do not think so. For one thing, I really cannot last very long in a relationship unless there is a mutual commit to and comprehension about: intensity. There has got to be a core mission around this idea for me. I want to smash down walls and get into a habitable zone where the two of us are firing upon all gaskets and operating with deep intuitions towards each other. I cannot really avoid feeling like I am playing some sort of a theatrical role if this deeper level is not activated. And stuff like that does not occur in polygamous ‘free’ types of arrangements. To believe otherwise is just egotism, self-serving. It’s totally okay, I think, to experiement, and arrive at one’s own perspective through different styles over time. Plus we learn new takes on things from different sorts of people.

    But in the end, what I want out of love relationships is something like telepathy. Bathing in mutual kindness. And you can only accomplish this with one other — at a time, If you want to try serial such monogamies, that works. I think many are actually on this path without being particularly deliberate about it. When our interest, really love attentiveness, sufficiently deepens in another person, we begin losing ourselves in a good way. We lose the egotistic superficial version of ourselves, the outer layers, and the inner begins to shine.

    This is how I see it at least. Thanks for your thoughts. (By the way, you should have a means whereby a reader can easily go to toilet rumination #1 so as to read in time sequence should they desire.) 🙂

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    1. Hey, thanks for your well written comment. I appreciate your perspective and do not disagree with you. I like what you write when you say: “cannot really avoid feeling like I am playing some sort of a theatrical role if this deeper level is not activated.” I think this is true but I don’t mind the theatrical role. It can be sexually kinky. It can allow you to debase and violate your partner. To objectify and individuate. It can allow the sex to be deviant and fun. One way is no better than another way. I have certainly been where you seem to be now but am enjoying this new, more sexually charged place now. Possessiveness just does not do it for me. Each position I think comes with its girth of troubles. Certainly now that my wife is sleeping with many other men I do feel a distance and underlying anger towards her. But I feel like this is something I need to work through. It shows my limitations. I would like to get to a place where she can sleep with whomever, have whatever relations with other men, I can do the same but still feel a deep loving connection towards one another. Or I don’t know, maybe I don’t what this deep loving connection and just want my wife to be a whore and a partner. Fuck her, she can do what she wants, I can do what I want, and we can be friendly partners. This sounds fun and it sound like a less socially sanctioned kind of relationship that I would like to try and have. All that love, passion, intensity with one person is no longer for me. Ultimately I do not think it works or lasts. But nothing does. Or maybe I do want that and am just kidding myself. Will see how it all plays out. For now I am getting off on letting my wife occupy the slut/bitch/partner role while I get better at doing my own thing. I just need to overcome the anger or jealousy part. If I can, I feel like I have broken free from these more conditioned, socially acceptable kinds of relationships I speak of. Just thinking out loud.

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      1. Works and lasts are two different things, and as you’ve said,nothing lasts anyway. Or in my language: everything has it’s time. I sense that rebelling against social conditioning is a big thing for you. Understandable that this can happen. But I never feel conditioned in any way within my ‘normal’ loving relationship. And neither of us operate out of a place of behaving according to perceived social acceptability. As for degrading her, such a desire is totally alien to me. It is very interesting, what you’ve said.

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    2. I am ruminating on my toilet seat right now. I am thinking about how I responded to your comment. I know it may sound cold or heartless and maybe it is. I am just saying that monogamy bores me. It is dull and unreasonable. In my twenty plus years of relationships I am yet to have any evidence that it is good and healthy other than for a short period of time. I think it is a religious ideal. A fundamentalist fantasy. A belief. You have deep ideas on this subject. Your ideas come from the heart so you would know better. As I said, I like what you write but when I envision the kind of relationship you describe it sounds uninteresting to me. Romantic. Fantasy. Non-deviant. Sexually boring. Is not intensity another word for possessiveness? Isn’t possessiveness an unhealthy way of being in relationship to another human? As a psychologist I see nothing but pathetic problems that arise from this. I know what you mean about that telepathic connection. I have this with my current wife although it was once much stronger. So it can exist in a polyamorous relationship. I don’t know. I feel like I am currently in uncharted and unromantic waters. I am experimenting here. I let my wife sleep with a stranger the other night. I listened to them have sex from the bedroom. It was hot and erotic but it also made me mad. I felt betrayed. These are the fearful feelings I am trying to overcome. I think they weaken us and monogamy plays into this weakening of the individual. It is about being strong, sexual and independent. I don’t know. Like I said, this is a countercultural experiment. It is something to do in these dull suburbs. Ok, must get off the toilet now. Thanks again for your comment.

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      1. Boy, Zev, you have really interesting craps! 🙂 I see that you are legit grappling with all these questions, so far be it from me to cast aspersions. Another really fascinating aspect of this is your professional take on the matter. I think I would pay $$ to be in the next room (all parties agreeing, of course) while you were discussing this feeling of betrayal and eoticism and anger and fear with your own therapist — assuming you have one. Hard to know what else to say without going much deeper. I could mention two things. First, I notice your attachment to deviance. I seem to lack this. Whereas you find monogamy, as an ideal, boring, I find sexual deviance to be a waste of time, inimical to my spiritual approach towards life, and also inimical to the intensity of intimacy I am generally after. Theother think I do grasp is why you equate intensity with posessiveness. Does this really follow? And if so, why? Not in my experience. These two things may coexist but they do not have to. It is to do with the personalities involved. Last point I would offer is karmic force. Some people we are destined to have messy dealings with in life. I think this explains many potent short term relationships. Though I am not saying, by this, that all such things must be expressed in a sexual context. Other dimensions of life are at least as important.

        Anyway — bravo for uncharted! Wish you safe landing on the rocky shores.

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      2. I do tend to have interesting craps these days. You would be surprised what comes up and out. I appreciate your perspective and patience. You seem like a wise man walking down one particular path and I respect the perspective you offer. Thank you for the interaction.

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