Toilet Ruminations #57

There are so many things that I need to get better at. I am continually feeling like I need to get better at things and always feeling that accompanying feeling of not being good enough. There are so many things that I feel like I am doing wrong or not well enough. The feeling comes upon me in the middle of the night and lingers throughout the day. I need to get better about meditating at a regular time. I need to get better about having a morning routine that involves exercise, writing and meditation. Normally I just wake up, drink coffee, read, water the garden and loaf around. I need to get better at exercising more regularly. Going for walks. Getting in better shape. I need to get better at not drinking beer. Whenever I drink more than one beer I feel terrible but I keep doing it. Maybe I need to get better at not drinking at all. I mostly drink to assuage my anxiety. It is the one substance that knocks my anxiety flat on its ass. But it is not good to medicate anxiety in this way. When I drink to assuage my anxiety I end up drinking more than I want. I need to get better about eating healthy. I want to eat more organic more of the time but I often do not do this. I eat takeout or in restaurants. I don’t cook my own meals as much as I should. I need to get better at taking my supplements and juicing. I know I need to do these things but only do them here and there, every so often. I need to get better at paying bills and taking care of responsibilities, but I put these things off for as long as I can. I need to get better at having sex with my wife regularly but often I do not want to and say no. She is a beautiful woman who often wants to have sex but often I am not interested. I say no more than I say yes. Why do I do this? I need to get better at this. I need to get better at feeling satisfied. I often feel unsatisfied. I am always unsatisfied, feeling like I am not doing enough. Feeling like there is more of something to be had. On Friday and Saturday nights the dissatisfaction is at its peak. I am normally home but feel like I should be out, blowing off steam. I should be doing something stimulating and fun instead of just being home weekend after weekend. I need to get better at being satisfied wherever I am. I need to get better at not needing to have these wild and crazy sexual experiences all the time. Maybe once a month would be nice but feeling like I always need to be having some degenerate, out-of-the-box sexual experience to blow off steam is too much. I suppose since my hair is thinning and I am growing older I feel time is of the essence. I need to seize the opportunity to indulge my sexual perversions while I still can. But I need to get better at not always needing this. To be satisfied by just going out to dinner with my wife and returning home and having sex with her. Letting this be enough. I need to get better at riding my bike more. I need to get better at listening to more records. I need to get better at finishing the books I start. I need to get better at finding a job not so draining for me. I need to get better at finishing the books that I write. I need to get better at not always being critical of my wife. I need to get better at not always needing to be under the influence of some substance (coffee, weed, booze). There are endless amounts of things I need to get better at. Maybe I will never get better at these things. I wonder if this is just the nature of life. Life as this long process of trying to get better at things but never reaching a completion point. Maybe everyone feels this way. Maybe the trick is being ok with all these things you need to get better at. Just not caring about it and being content with who you are now. You know there is things you need to get better at but you accept yourself for who you are now. Maybe this is the trick.

One thought on “Toilet Ruminations #57

  1. Geez. I thought you were a better reason than this 😒

    I’m kidding. But how we. Beat ourselves up don’t we. I was conditioned to be critical of every move I make. It’s super tough accepting oneself

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s