Toilet Ruminations #59

If left to my own devices I will drift. I will watch clocks, look out windows, walk around in circles, listen to music, read, exercise, avoid phone calls and bills, bend up and down, move furniture around and sit here on my toilet ruminating. I am not one who is destined for great things. I move too slow. Without any structure I get lost in an undisciplined passing of time. This undisciplined passing of time is quite enjoyable but nothing significant gets done. No novels get written. No paintings get finished. It is a state of limbic hovering. Going nowhere fast and honoring the great schools of doing nothing. I don’t know how some people are so motivated and so engaged. I just can’t understand it. Doctors, lawyers, politician, scientists, police officers, engineers, business owners, psychologists and city workers all seem to share these professionally motivated traits. They show up for work five days a week, put in long hours and work hard. I have trouble comprehending how anyone can do this. The way surgeons will operate for hours everyday and see patients the rest of the day. This kind of focus and dedication is a foreign language to me. The way judges and lawyers spend everyday in windowless courtroom slaving away over various legal cases. I just don’t get it. I know the list goes on and on. We live in a world where those who work the hardest often get the most. They are the ones who have the money and status. Many work hard and do not have money and status but those who do have money and status are almost always very identified with their career roles. I have never been able to identify with any sort of career role. I have tried but can’t play the game since I think it is a ridiculous game to play. I appreciate that there are surgeons, lawyers, radiation technicians, scientists, business people, veterinarians who are ready to take my money at any moment but I am just not one of these people. Why is it? Is it because I do not care that much about money? Is it because I am lazy? Is it because I have not found a career that I love? Is it because I have a difficult time believing in anything? Is it because I do not want to be around other people? Is it because I live in a total state of denial? Is it because I am too lost in my own head? Is it because I am too much of a free agent? I do not know. I struggle to buy into these societal belief systems about money, status, time and career even though I was educated in the best schools. I would rather spend my days aimlessly wandering through the vast landscapes of my mind than slaving away at some job. Even if I am saving lives. As a psychologist I could work a lot harder. I could make a lot more money. I could write books and have a full schedule. As it is I do not return new patient’s calls. I don’t want more work. I don’t want to listen to more problems. I don’t need a greater status. I just want my free time, my books, my records, my space , my independence, my autonomy and this is fine. But I do feel guilty. So many people out there slaving away. So many people dedicated to the careers and driving the BMWs and Porches to prove it. I feel bad that I am watching clocks and wondering around in my hallway (often naked) mid Monday afternoon. I should be seeing more patients. I should be working harder. I could have more money. A bigger house. More social status. My parents would be proud and less worried. I would feel like more of a man. I would not feel bad that others are out there working on getting ahead while I seem to be falling further and further behind. Oh well, I am just not the ambitious type. I am more of a contemplative, eccentric recluse who wonders around his hut talking to himself while under the delusion that he is doing so many different things. In truth, I am doing nothing. I am just sitting here on my toilet, passing the time deep inside my own mind.

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