Toilet Ruminations #61

My wife tells me that I think too much. I know this to be true. I think much too much and the vast majority of my thoughts are filled with gloom. I think about the worst things that can go wrong, I think about all the terrible things that could happen, I think about my ultimate lack of control, I think about all the terrible way things can end. I rarely have a positive thought. Sometimes I do but not often. My thoughts race through my mind like bullets. They are filled with despair and apprehension. I suppose this is why I long for booze and drugs. They tend to shut my thoughts down. But isn’t everyone this way? Doesn’t everyone think too much? I suppose I do not possess that buffer against the horrors of life. Some people are probably able to think mostly positive things. They are able to avoid thinking about their inevitable extinction. They can think about plans for the day, things they want to do, people they love and other more cheery subjects. Not I. I am continually teetering on the edge of an abyss and am mostly well aware of it. It is hard to think about more hopeful things when living on the edge of this abyss. Maybe I should abstain from drinking coffee? Coffee just speeds things up. Amplifies the negative thoughts. But I love coffee so much. I could not engage in these morning ruminations without coffee. But the things we love are often also the thing that is worst for us. This coffee makes me feel like I have been injected with furious fuel that wires my brain to move at fast and fearful speeds. I don’t like this speedy feeling but I induce it everyday like a zombie moving towards its human food. Granted you could say I have anxiety which is irritated by caffeine consumption. After all, fast and furious negative thoughts are a direct symptom of anxiety. Too much anxiety is a mental illness because it make life not enjoyable for the living. But isn’t anxiety a natural response to the horrifying situation we are all in? Yes and no. You have still got to be able to engage in various acts of self-deception in order to have a more pleasant experience while living. Who wants to suffer as much as fast and fear-filled negative thoughts can cause a person to suffer moment by moment? Always apprehensive, always on-gaurd, always waiting for the worst. This is no way to walk through living. Sex or sexual deviancy seems to be the only thing that takes my mind from it. Thoughts about sexual deviancy seems to be the only thing that backs me away from the abyss. It is true, I do think too much. I am continually thinking but I am not thinking fruitful, positive thoughts. I am not absorbed with egotistical delusions fueled by my sense of immortality. I am not caught up in petty concerns and preoccupations. I am freaking out about the horrible fate that we all face! Why is everyone else not losing their minds? Ok, calm down. Notice that you are breathing in and out. Hear those sounds of dogs barking in the background? Notice your feet touching the ground? Just breathe in and out. Come into the present moment. Everything is fine right now. Think about that beautiful stripper you are going to have sex with tonight. Control your mind. Just chill out. Maybe too much time alone in this bathroom is not a good thing for you. You think too much.

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