Toilet Ruminations #63, Avoidant Personality Disorder

“Excuse me sir but I need to clean the bathroom,” my maid said. There is always someone trying to disturb me from my toilet ruminations. “I am in here right now, I am sorry. Can you go clean someplace else in the house? I will be in here another ten or twenty minutes,” I said. “But sir, I have cleaned everywhere in the house. I only have the bathroom left and I need to get going. I have been waiting to clean the bathroom for two hours now,” she kindly said. “My apologies. I will be out in a few minutes,” I replied. I get lost in these toilet ruminations. Obviously hours will pass and I will not realize that hours have past. I am lost in deep ruminations, thinking about everything and anything. How much of my life is spent in these deep ruminations on the toilet? If I am not even aware that two hours have gone by how much time am I spending in here? I am obviously spending a lot of my life in these cerebral ruminations. Ruminating my day away. But so be it. I enjoy these periods of time where I can be quietly locked away from the outside world, behind my bathroom door. I can process things, figure things out, attempt to make sense of things. Human beings have acquired the ability to think for whatever reason and I am attempting to make the greatest use of this higher human faculty. But I should probably spend more of my time not lost in the ruminations. My iPhone fills with calls from creditors and patients everyday, which I avoid. There are several unfinished novels on my computer that I need to complete. I spent $500.00 on a guitar that I do not play. I should be returning my patient’s phone calls and seeking out ways to create more business. But I don’t do these things. Most of my free time is spent on this toilet ruminating. I am avoiding the world. I have diagnosed myself with Avoidant Personality Disorder. There is nothing that I do not avoid. I even avoid sex with my wife. I am avoiding opening the door for the maid so that she can clean the bathroom. I avoid everything that I can avoid. It is all going to end. We are all going to end up as dust so I struggle to add too much importance to many things. Creditors, money and working more. What do these things really matter up against the bigger picture of an eternity spent in nothingness? If a person can outrun or avoid the repayment of a debt or extra work for the duration of their life this is success as far as I am concerned. Creditors, bills and money only have as much power over us as we give them in our own mind. Avoidance is an enlightened way if you think about it. It is the path of least resistance. Or maybe it is the path of more resistance. I do not know. When I sit on this toilet and ruminate there is no resistance. I am free of resistance. I am avoiding resistance. I am doing what I want. “Sir, I do really need to get going and the bathroom is going to take me at least twenty minutes to clean,” the maid says from behind the locked bathroom door. “Okay, my apologies. I am coming out now.”

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