Toilet Ruminations #66

Last evening when I came home from work my neighbor was digging a large hole in his front yard. I don’t normally talk with my neighbor because he flies a large American flag outside his house and I do not talk with people who do that. At least I try not to. But I was curious and curiosity always gets the best of me. “Why are you digging such a large hole in your front yard at this time of night?” I asked him. “Do you honestly want to know why neighbor?” he said to me with sweat dripping down his brow and through the cracks in his mouth. “I do,” I said. “Well, I killed my wife tonight,” he said as he kept digging. “You killed your wife?” I asked. I was not surprised. I am not surprised by much. I am a psychologist so I hear it all. Yesterday a client told me about how he sometimes murders prostitutes. I tried to convince him to stop murdering prostitutes. We need prostitutes. They do the world a service. This is what I told him. I told him that if he needed to murder he should pick on someone else. I think he got the point. But you see it is unusual for a psychologist to think like this. But I am not shocked by much. “Yes, I killed my wife. I had enough. She drove me too nuts,” he said as he continued digging. I immediately kicked into psychologist mode. “What do you mean she drove you too nuts?” I asked. He kept digging as he talked. “Well, it was just too much man. We had been married for almost a decade and it was just fight after fight. Constant bickering. If I told her that she was gaining a bit of weight she got so upset. If I told her that I found our communication boring she got upset. If I told her that she said the word like too much she got upset. It got to the point where I could not be honest with her about anything. I could only say things that were nice and kind. But who wants to be in a relationship like this? We need to be able to be honest with our partner without them getting so upset all the time. And on top of this she just bugged me. She was on her phone all the time. She was lazy and not doing much to better herself. I mean she was a nice gal, great in bed but just boring. I lost interest a long time ago but just kept going through the routine. I guess it got the best of me ultimately.” “I see,” I said. “Sounds like a difficult marriage, but did you have to kill her?” I asked. “We were eating dinner and she blew her breath in my face,” he said. “What do you mean she blew her breath in your face?” I asked. “She was cooling off her food and she blew her breath in my face. I was sitting across from her. I asked her to not do that. I told her to blow down. She then did it again and I got mad and said something mean. Then she got mad and I lost it. I ¬†jumped over the table with the dinner knife in my hand and killed her. That is all you need to know,” “I see. So now you are going to bury her in you front yard?” “Yes. I figure it is good fertilizer and she loved this front yard. At least this way I can keep her around. But now I am free. No more bickering thank god.” “I see,” I said. “Hey could you help me carry the body out here? Will only take a minute,” he said. Crazy son of a bitch, I thought.

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