Toilet Ruminations #68

You accuse me of being mean. “Why can’t I be more compassionate?” “Why can’t I be nicer?” First of all to expect me to be compassionate and nice in the mornings is not logical. And to expect me to be compassionate and nice when I think you are doing things that are not smart is also not logical. I am just not that kind of person who will be nice and kind to someone who keeps doing things that I think are not smart. This is not realistic. In fact, I think it is very arrogant and self-righteous to expect somebody to be nice and compassionate to you when you are doing things that are not very smart. Is this not the definition of entitlement? To expect to be treated with kindness and compassion even when you are doing things that are being perceived as harmful to yourself and others? Granted, at times I can be mean. I have experienced mean. I know what mean looks like. I do not think I am that mean. I just think you are very fragile. Yes, I will tell you what I am thinking. If I think you are being an idiot I will tell you I think you are being an idiot. I do not scream and yell. I do not hit. I do not rip you apart. I just tell you when I think you are being dumb or lazy or careless or neglectful. I do not sugarcoat it and you do not like it. I am not saying that I am right. I am just telling you what I am thinking (maybe I should just zipper up). And if what I think does not flatter your fragile ego you freak out. You get very upset. This is exhausting because in order to be in a stable relationship with you I have to sugarcoat and be nice every time I think you are doing things that are not smart. I have to be compassionate when I am frustrated with you. I have to be nice to you when I think you are being careless. This is a very tall order that I do not think I am capable of doing. I am just not capable of being fake like this all the time. I try sometimes but I get depressed. I am not capable of giving you this kind of royal treatment. This is not a language that I speak very well. I come from a family that if I was being dumb I was told that I was being dumb. I don’t know if this is a Southern California phenomena. This need to always be treated nice and with compassion. This need for kindness and care all the time. This need to be seen in a good light all the time. This is exhausting for any relationship because no one is always like this. If you always have to be nice and compassionate to keep the peace this seems very superficial to me. I know that in our relationships we want to get extra special treatment. We want the love and care we believe we deserve. We want to be accepted unconditionally. We want to get away with everything. We want to be treated like very special people in our relationships. If we are not treated this way we get very mad. We want our partner to always be showering us with good words, no matter what. Any kind of negativity is not allowed. Any kind of negative critique of our partners actions and behavior is taken as words of war. I don’t understand this. If we want kindness and compassion in the most difficult of moments we have got to be able to deliver this kindness and compassion. We have got to be able to realize that the reason our partner is negatively critiquing our behavior is because obviously we have done something to upset or concern them. It goes both ways man! We need to realize that our actions are not consequence free. We need to be able to take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and realize some of the things we do upset our partner. That the reason they are being mean to us is most likely a result of something we have done that upsets them. If we can not have compassion and kindness for the fact that something we have done is what is causing our partner to be upset and mean how the hell can we expect compassion and kindness from our partner? This is why I say it is very entitled behavior. Very self-righteous and frankly quite immature. If you dont like how much your partner is being mean to you then you need to leave. If you chose to stay, take responsibility! A person who continually demands kindness and compassion without examining their own behaviors and how those behaviors are upsetting someone else is not wanting to take responsibility for their action. And to expect compassion and kindness when you are not willing to take responsibility for what you are doing or have done (at least in your partners eyes) is madness. It is a kind of insanity that will always cause your relationships to become insane and stressed out. Yes I can be mean but I am not being mean for no reason. I am not mean because everything you are doing is perfect. There are imperfections in all of our behaviors and we need to take responsibility for these imperfections by being compassionate and kind when something we have done is causing someone else to get upset. And yes, maybe your partner needs to try and be more compassionate that you have many imperfections. That you really struggle. If the imperfections are many and you are not willing to take responsibility for these imperfections than yes, your partner needs to leave or accept your unwillingness to take respoonsibility for these imperfections and then try not to get so upset by them each and every time they appear. Being mean is not fun. It does not feel good. We are mean when we feel threatened or hurt. We are mean because something is threatening our peace of mind. And sometimes this something is you and your behaviors so maybe you should try being nice and compassionate rather than becoming angry and mean yourself. Then you might find the compassion and kindness you are looking for.

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