Toilet Ruminations #69

As I sit here on the toilet I suppose I could think about all of the hatred that my parents inspire in me. No one wants to think about it. Most of us will fight the hatred that we feel towards our parents. We know it is not healthy. The feeling frightens us and we resist that it is there. If we acknowledge our hatred of our parents we will have to take serious actions, which would have serious consequences. So we push this hatred aside. We think of the good times and the helpful things our parents have done for us. We try to forgive and forget. But the hatred is still there. It lingers in us like a dense fog. And then when our parents do something once again that hurts or disappoints us the hatred arises with all its force. This hatred is in me. It has been in me for a very long time. In a sense my parents are terrible people. They are very self-centered, fearful and arrogant. They are cold and judgmental. It is hard to speak of my parents as a whole since they are different in their behaviors towards me. My mother is neglectful and abandoning. Self-righteous. She does what my father wants, which often means turn against me and side with him. She obeys his commands as much as she likes to pretend that she does not. My father is suffocating and needy. A prince. Mr. Wonderful who can never be put down or admit his wrong doings. He is a spoiled brat and arrogant elitist. He can be generous and giving as long as it is serving him. He is so full of himself that you can feel his insecurity and discomfort filling any room. He is an ass who knows everything and will not hesitate to lecture you on the world according to his truth. He takes little responsibility for his behavior and does not see the wrong that he does. He thinks that because he has a lot of money he is better than most. But he lies about the amount of money he has and secretly envies those who have more. He is a little man even though he is tall. He brags about his wealth but if I ask for money it is a struggle. I just don’t like the man my father is. I appreciate that he helps me out financially from time to time. I appreciate that he will buy me something nice and send it in the mail and I try and be grateful for the handouts he gives. But most of the time his behavior towards me is not respectable. He puts me down. He tries to make me doubt what I feel is right for me. He used to beat me up but now he does it psychologically. You see I am the bad son. The son who has not given him the love and attention he wants. I have not been showering him with praise and calling him on the phone regularly to see how he is doing. I have turned against him in many ways because I am not the best friend he wants in a son. I have betrayed his loyalty. And so he takes it out on me in passive aggressive ways. He is a toxic man. Sick with his own contempt. But he has infected me with contempt for him. I have nothing but contempt for him and my mother. It is an unfortunate thing. Why would I want to have a close relationship with someone who inspires nothing but contempt and dislike in me? I can not have a relationship with a man who I can say nothing to without being told how it really is. How I am wrong and he is right. How he knows best. I can not have a relationship with a man who only talks about how great his life is and his fishing trips, his trips to Italy, his wonderful mansion, all his money, his successful business, his elegant dinners, his rich and powerful friends (most of what he says is not true, it is just for show). It is to hard for me, his unloyal son who does not respect these things. My father is a mad man who gets to have high social standing because of the amount of wealth he has. I do not have wealth so obviously I am seen as the one with the problem. But you see it is an unconscious thing- my father wants to keep me down. He has programmed me to be the fuck up and the failure. The codependent. 47 years of being the one who is wrong. Being the one who is the inconvenience and the problem. He is such an insecure man. If he can keep me down he gets to feel like the one who has succeeded. It is a sick thing. As much as he does not like it when I ask for financial help his very sense of control and power is all wrapped up in me having less than him. This dynamic between father and son can be a very sickly one. The lies, the contempt, the manipulation, the deceit, the blame. I could go on and on. I just hate the man. And I suppose I hate myself for still being stuck in this sick dynamic. And I hate my mother for allowing him to get away with all of these for so long. But she does not have to work. All of her financial needs are taken care of so she has sold out long ago. She does what he says. I am not perfect. I have not been the perfect son but most of what I have done and how I have acted is because of being treated poorly by my parents. My mean comments, my distancing myself from them- all of my behaviors that have been less than flattering have been because I am being treated by my parents in a way that is not loving and honorable. So I have grown up angry. I have grown up with contempt. I have had to try very hard to be the bigger man. To not react. To not say mean words. To continue to be loving and kind. To continue to let them get away with their crap in order to keep the peace between us. I have had to eat shit while my parents eat caviar and at 47 years of age I am very tired of this. But it is a catch 22. If I tell them how horrible I feel that they are. If I tell them how much damage they have done and how shitty their arrogant and self-righteous behavior has been, then I end up the unappreciative and angry son. I become the problem and my father can say, “See I told you he is ungrateful and abuses us.” So all I can do is remain silent most of the time. Keep eating shit and enjoy what little handouts I get.

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