Toilet Ruminations #81

Here I am all cracked out………again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? This morning I decided that I would try a double late instead of a cup of coffee. But here I am all cracked out again. I thought that maybe the warm milk and espresso would be more gentle than a cup of straight caffeine. I was wrong. I am cracked out again. It is no fun being cracked out. I mean it might be good for speedy productivity but I don’t like it. I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. I am a downer kind of guy. I prefer indica over sativa. I prefer beer over cocktails. I prefer opiates over cocaine. I prefer slow women over fast ones. Mellow animals over hyper animals. Cats over dogs. Elephants over monkeys. Anything that brings me down is welcome. So why do I keep consuming this caffeine? Even a cup of regular coffee jacks me up to the point where I want to jump out of my skin for the next eight hours. It is an incredibly uncomfortable feeling. But in the mornings I am very tired. I am a sleepwalker and the only thing that I can hope to bring me out from this drudgery is a cup of coffee. I love the taste. I love the smell. I love the potential. I do not want to deal with having to be so tired in the mornings. That is no fun. Coffee makes mornings fun. It makes me feel more hopeful and happy about getting out of bed. But is this really fun? Are you enjoying this? No I am not. This is a horrible feeling but I have to deal with it. Without caffeine, I would still be in bed. I would be slumbering around. I would not be writing this. Tea does not do it for me. It has a boring taste. It is the smell, taste and awakening power of caffeine that gets me out of bed. But this is madness. I feel like my head is going to fly off. My body is shaking. Why do people enjoy taking speed? How is this fun? For me caffeine is speed. I am on speed right now. A controlled madness. Barley holding it together. Palms sweaty. Just waiting for this cracked up feeling to subside. I will drink water. I will take supplements. I will do anything to get this cracked up feeling to come down. It is unfortunate that caffeine affects me in this way. That I cannot even enjoy a cup of coffee without feeling like I am going to jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Jump out of my skin. Maybe it is my adrenals? Or maybe it is my thyroid? Maybe my body cannot process coffee? I don’t know. It happens when I take a bite of chocolate. Just a bite of strong chocolate sends me into the kind of outer space no one wants to be in. I feel like I am running around with my head cut off. Very unpleasant. But why do I still do it? Because without caffeine getting out of bed would be too hard. Maybe I need to stick with half decaf and half caffeinated. I did this for a few days and then stopped. Why did I stop? Why do I keep doing these things that are harmful for me? I stopped because it was too much to think about in the morning. I keep doing these harmful things and expecting a different result. Isn’t that the definition of an idiot. An idiot keeps doing the thing which harms them. I am an idiot. No need to be mad at yourself. Get better and being good to yourself. Stop consuming crack in the morning. Only consume decaf crack with regular crack. Half and half. No more full crack. This is nuts. Now that I am all cracked up I am just going to have to tolerate this edginess for the next six to eight hours. If things get really bad I will drink a beer. Palms sweaty. Feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Hold it together man. Hold it together.

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