Toilet Ruminations #84

I went to sex party with my wife last evening. We all need hedonistic distractions to rescue us or interrupt the lonely monotony. Most of us reside in a state of restless unease.   Self-deception is all we can do to help ourselves tolerate this restless unease. Thomas Zapffe  is a Norwegian philosopher who is purposefully ignored because he wrote books about how humans deceive themselves from the realities of life. He writes eloquently about isolation, sexual deviancy, distraction, sublimation and the morality of avoiding procreation. He wrote about how the will to live and be alive is embodied in sex. I suppose this is what I am looking for when going to these sex parties. A feeling of being fully alive. A will to live. But at these sex parties couples stick together like glue. They dance to horrible music. They are not appealing. There are a few attractive couples but they seem afraid to become unglued. What is it with the way couples stick together like glue? If you go to a sex party why not wander off on your own? Why not spread out and separate? Why not isolate from your partner whom you see most of the time? Why not find a new sexual experience on your own? Surprise your partner when he or she walks around the corner and finds you having sex with another person. Seek out as many deviant sexual experiences as possible. This is why we go to sex parties. We do not go to sex parties to remain glued to one another. We remain glued together at sex parties because we are afraid. We are ashamed. We are afraid to liberate ourselves. This is a pathology of insecurity. It is not a good look these guys and girls wandering through sex clubs attached to one another. Afraid to wander off on their own and find their own experience. Why would you come to a sex club and just have sex with one another? Why would you just stay by one another’s side? Because you are afraid. You judge everyone else as being gross to rationalize your fear. You fear being rejected. You fear the unexpected. You fear doing something which feels out of your control. But this is why we go to sex parties. To engage in these adventures of lust. Not to dance to terrible music. Not to play pool. Not to hang out and talk and eat. Not to remain clothed. Not to have sex with our partners. Idiots. I want to find my wife having sex with others. I want to leave her alone and I want to be left alone. There is nothing more annoying to me when at a sex party with my wife or partner to have them come up to me and say, “I was looking for you!” This is such a turn off. Why are you looking for me? Why are you not off doing your own thing? I want to watch my wife having all sorts of different deviant experiences with various men. This I have learned is a specific kink. It is called cuckoldry. Cuckolds get off on watching their partners have sex with others. It is the jealousy that turns them on. I do not know what it is about me but I derive great pleasure from finding my wife having sex with others. I like to watch and not have her know that I am watching. If she knows that I am watching or asks me for permission or if I have to force her to go do something it is less enjoyable for me. It has to happen completely on her own for it to work. She needs to make these deviant sexual things happen and I have to come across her having sex with other men. And then this is a thrill. Then I will want to have sex with her. Then I will be turned on. But it is difficult for me to be turned on without this. I am not turned on by a codependent. few things are less sexy than codependency. Codependent sex is normal sex. It is less interesting to me. I do not want to just have sex with several people watching. I need to be very turned on before I have sex with several people watching. But I did not get very turned on last night. I never got to the point of wanting to have sex. My wife kept finding me in my hiding spots and saying, “There you are!” She kept looking for me. This was annoying. Here I am trying to hide and spy and my wife keeps finding me. Don’t look for me! Go off and have fun! Let me find you in the middle of some deviant sexual encounter. Let me catch you in this several times. Let me see you behaving like the slut that you are! Then I will be turned on. Then I will feel fully alive. Then I will want you. Then I will no longer be deceiving myself. Then I will be fully present and aroused. Then I will be momentarily freed from the lonely monotony. From my restless unease. Scopophilia. This is what it is. I am a Scopophiliac. I derive pleasure from looking. I derive pleasure from looking at sexual objects, especially from watching my partner being sexual with other men. This is the height of pleasure for me. The last thing a Scopophiliac wants to hear is, “There you are. I was looking for you!”

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