Toilet Ruminations #87

I am too nice. Too kind. I am sometimes mean to my wife because I am always having to be too nice to everyone else. I feel guilty when I am mean. I feel guilty even when I engage in these toilet ruminations. I should be nicer. I should be healthier. I feel bad for being negative. I feel bad for being too morbid. I would never consider violence because that would cause me to feel too guilty. I play it to safe. Want people to like me. I do not want my reputation destroyed. I am too nice. When I am not nice I feel guilty. Why am I such a wimp? Violence is the nature of the planet we live on. Violence is in every species. The earth was made because of violence. There is nothing but violent molten lava beneath my feet. Why do I have to be so nice? Why am I always so kind? I suppose these are values I believe in but I also believe in negativity, meanness, hate and kicking ass. But I am afraid of these things. I feel guilty for feeling them. I am a whimp. I am repressed. I have been conditioned by the best of them. I take shit. When I am not treated well I am always the bigger person. I am too nice. I let others take advantage of my kindness. I let them feed me shit. I wish I could be meaner. I wish I could be proudly hateful and negative when needed. I wish I did not feel so guilty about being a bad guy. Then I would probably be much nicer to my wife. Much less critical. I would probably be much nicer towards my dogs and towards myself. The reason why we are so mean at home is because we are pissed off about having to be so nice out there. It does not feel good. But we do it for reputation. We pretend like we care. We are nice to people we would rather tell to go to hell. We play it safe so we can get the money or status we need. Then when we are home we are pissed off. We are literally bent out of shape. Being too nice is never a healthy thing.

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