Toilet Ruminations #89

Maybe I am doing it just to get off. Mad at my wife for being interested in having sexual relationships with other men. I am pushing her to admit that she wants to have relationships with other men. I am pushing her to have relationships with other men. I am trying to get her to admit that she wants to fall in love with someone else. But then this pisses me off. I start to believe that she secretly want to leave me. That she really wants to be with someone else. That she only stays in the marriage because she does not want to deal with the fallout. She is stuck. She plays it safe. But she remains dishonest. I try to force the truth out. She wants to have a relationship with a man while still remaining married to me. Smart girl. This way she can have the best of both worlds. She can avoid the chaos and pain of marital fallout while still having a new and more sexually charged relationship with someone else. Bitch. But I push her to admit these things. I push her to see other men. Her not wanting to be with me and wanting to be in a relationship with another man somehow turns me on. Then I can treat her like the slut she is. Then things can feel more honest. She already had one long affair. She snuck around my back for almost a year. She is capable of this. She is scandalous and dishonest. The wife role was ruined then. The harmonious relationship was ruined then. She would not have done that if she did not want to be in love with seomeone else. I know she is always hiding things. She probably even hides her true feelings from herself. But it is a dangerous game I am playing. Being mad at her. Pushing her away. Telling her to go be with others. Distancing myself. Spending most of my time alone. Are these behaviors driven by the sexual charge that I get? That I get turned on by her not wanting to be with me? Turned on by her being in love with someone else? Probably. Because then I can really treat her like the sack of shit that she is. Otherwise I am too much of a nice guy. I play it safe. I am hurt. I whine. I resent. I shut down. But if she is really honest then I can open up. I can unleash my rage and hurt. Then I can really have fun with her sexually. This can not be healthy behavior for a marraige. Eventually she really will fall in love with someone else and leave to be with him. This is what happens. And then how would I feel? Freed? Terribly sad? I do not know. This is certainly a risky game we are both playing. She already had one very scandalous affair. It could happen again. But this time I am demanding that she keep it all out in the open. Tell me everything. I want her to fall in love with someone else because I know that this is what she really wants. I want her to almost leave me to be with someone else. Or I want her to be in love with someone else while continuing to live with me as friends. Then I can really get off. Then I can have all sorts of depraved sex. This can’t be healthy. Maybe I should seek out help? Having sex with a good girl does not interest me. Having loving and intimate sex with someone who is really interested in me does not interest me. Not for long. It is sex with someone who is in love with other people, sleeping with other people while also being with me- this turns me on. Not a good thing. It is exhausting.

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