Toilet Ruminations #94

I should have known. I am a psychologist. I have been working as a psychologist for a long time. I see over thirty clients a week. How could I have not known? It is not that I want to humiliate my wife. I would not mind subjecting her to some pain to make her suffer for what she has inflicted on me. This would be good. But I do not get much out of humiliating another person. Sexually it does not do much for me. I am afraid that if I kidnapped my wife and humiliated her I would feel bad about it. I would not get off from it. It would end up a failed experiment. The truth is that I am the one who wants to be humiliated. How embarrassing this is to admit. I can barely stand to say something about this. Me? Getting off on being humiliated? I am a successful psychologist. I am a good looking man. An educated man. Why the hell would I need to be humiliated? But this seems to be the case. The reason why I let my wife have other lovers and the reason why I often watch her while having sex with other men is because I find it humiliating. I am humiliated that she would be with another man. Humiliated that she seems interested in another man. Humiliated that she is getting off with other men. Humiliated that she wants other men. And seeing her have sex with another man who is giving it to her good, is humiliating. And when I feel humiliated I become miserable. I become anxious and jealous. I feel terrible. But at the same time I seem to be depriving pleasure from this humiliation. What is going on? Why am I wanting to be and feel humiliated? Am I that in need of stimulation in my life? Has my life become so dull that I am willing to stoop so low? I know that I am bored with my work as a psychologist. I am tired of listening to these dullards talk. Living in the suburbs is dull. Domesticity is dull. I am a loner and keep to myself. This can be dull. I do not go out much. I do not do much. I often suffer from depression. I can become disinterested in my wife because I am around her so much. I lose interest in anyone I am around a lot. I do not find our conversations intellectually stimulating. My conversations with my psychotherapy clients are all about them and their banal problems. Maybe I want to be humiliating because it is the most stimulating thing I have going for me in my life? What is my problem? I am a psychologist for Christ’s sake! All of my struggles and difficulties the past year have all come from this humiliation fetish I seem to have developed. This is the root of things. I have been hateful because I have felt humiliated. I have been wanting to kidnap because I feel like it will somehow make me feel more empowered. I am angry at my wife because she humiliated me by having an affair. Humiliation has been under it all! I am a humiliated man. This is why I feel so insecure inside. This is why I have stopped caring much about how I look. This is why I have been run down. Humiliation. I want to be humiliated! I want my wife to continually humiliate me! This is the only thing that makes me feel violently alive. What a terrible affliction. I no longer want to kidnap anyone. Not my wife or my beautiful and young patient. No, I have no desire to humiliate anyone. Maybe a bit but I do not get off much on doing the humiliation. I want to be humiliated! Give me more humiliation! When I was sitting outside in the dark at 3am last night while watching my wife have sex with a younger man on our couch, I felt humiliated! Terribly humiliated. I became so bitter. I hated her. The way she had sex with him. The way she kissed him. It was humiliating. What a terrible feeling it was. I could not sleep after. My brain on fire. Why would I want more of it? I already want more. The humiliation makes me so mad and miserable but it also gets me off. I am a mess. A madman. None of this makes any sense. I should get some help. I should not be helping others. I should not be taking $150.00 an hour from them. Get some help. Get some help. Get some help. But really what I want is to convince my wife to kidnap me. To get her to kidnap me when I least expect it. I want to be kidnapped and depraved. To have her gag me and keep me tied up and naked in a bathtub. To have her urinate on me. Talk cruel to me. Treat me poorly. Put me down. Have sex with other men in front of me. Let other men orgasm all over her. I want her to fall in love with other men right in front of me. All while I am gagged and tied up. This would be terribly humiliating! She is the one who has done this to me. She is the one who caused and still causes my humiliation. Now I just crave to be humiliated by her. This is terrible but it is also the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! I am humiliated but I feel alive!

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