Well shit. I have not been ruminating as much recently. I mean I have been ruminating but not on my toilet seat. I have been ruminating in other places. Park benches, my car, the shower, my couch, the sun chair in my backyard. It feels good to get back to the toilet seat but all the ruminating I did here caused me to nearly lose my mind. I mean I was thinking about kidnapping and all sorts of other outlandish things! I am doing fine now. I am still completely confused about my life. I really have no idea what I am doing with my life and I am almost fifty years old! I feel as if I am not the one living my life. I am in no way fulfilling the potential I know I could fill if I really tried. Instead I play it safe. I go with the flow. I do what is easiest. I take whatever comes my way. I do not steer my own ship in the direction I want it to go. I am not capable of this. Too much fear. Too much laziness. Too much self-doubt. So I conform myself to the status quo. Within the status quo I try to act like I am different. I try and make statements and be original in various ways, but I am like every other shmuck who conforms himself to the status quo. My efforts at originality and non-conformity are minor at best. They probably even hurt me more than they help me. Any attempts at originality when living within the status quo usually backfire and work against the person who was hoping to be different. No one within the status quo wants to be made aware of their conformity and unoriginality so the moment someone reminds them of it they will shut him down. Judge him. Discard him. See him as untrustworthy and troubled. So I don’t push the limits too much but I do so more than I should. I am stuck in this suburban, status quo world and I try to do the best I can to make the best of it. But I am normally pissed off. I know this lifestyle is not for me but I try and convince myself it is. I spend much time alone since I have little in common with anyone. I really am stuck. I have failed to create the kind of life I want. I don’t know what to do other than to try and make the best of what I have. Embrace it. What else can I do? I have no other options. You would not believe how lonely it feels when you live in the status quo suburbs but you feel like you have nothing in common with the world around you. Even my own wife is an exile to me. I have little I share in common with her. I feel like we live on different planets. I don’t have much to say to her and most of my communications are done on Instagram or in my head. I am not happy with things as they are but frustration and isolation just feed upon themselves and force you deeper within. You create your own world inside the nutshell of your head. But I wish I spent more time in this nutshell fantasy world but most of my thoughts are about how fucked up everything is. How upset I am with wife. How bothered I am by job. How I don’t know what I am doing with my life. How I feel so alone. So much time wasted thinking such mundane thoughts. Is this what isolation, marriage and the suburbs does to a man? Are there any hot girls out there who can save me? I am not sure what to do so I ruminate, I drink vodka, I smoke weed, I read books, I write, I draw. Like a cat stuck in a cage scratching at itself.
Zev Bauhaus 3 Minutes
Published by Zev Bauhaus