Dead Inside

We don’t like to talk about it. When people ask us how we are doing we say “fine.” We all go about our lives in denial of one foundational fact: we feel dead inside.

I wish inner deadness could be measured. It is a hard thing to prove. But I would presume that the vast majority of Americans (at the very least) feel this feeling inside. But we spend our time keeping busy. We entertain and debauch ourselves. We preoccupy ourselves with things we could really care less about. I would say we are in continual pursuit of denying the fact that we feel dead inside.

The deader inside we become, the less likely we are to feel it. The inner deadness becomes our normal.

What is it to feel dead inside? There is an emptiness and a desperation. There is a sadness that we were not able to accomplish what we wanted to do. Despite being surrounded by things we like and feel grateful for, there is little pleasure derived from these things. We are just going through the motions. Doing what needs to be done. No longer steering our ship in the direction we want it to go but instead just working to keep the ship afloat.

When we are dead inside we have surrendered. We have given up our dreams and just try and make the best of what we have. We do our work without complaint. We try not to feel down and bad all the time because this would make us feel guilty for taking advantage of the things we have.

There is a great guilt we feel when we admit that we feel dead inside. We are worried that we will be judged and we will lose what we have because we did not appreciate it.

What a terrible trap being dead inside can become. It is only a trap because once we feel dead inside there is little way out. Our energy to keep pursuing the things that mean something is used up by the energy we must expend to do the things we have to do. It is a terrible trap because we do not have the energy to work our way out. It is easier to resign oneself to their pathetic fate.

Make the best of what you have. Try and have a good time. Drink and do some things you like. Buy things that make your environment more enjoyable to be in. Even though these things never work we keep buying them because we have hope. We hope that we will eventually stop feeling dead inside. But we never do.

So we do drugs. We smoke weed. We try to stay entertained. We take care of our homes. When a person is dead inside this is the best we can do. Have fun. Drink. Stay entertained. Do your work. Try not to self-destruct.

Being or feeling dead inside is a terrible feeling. It is a quiet life of desperation.

There are so many things we could have become. So much we could have done but we were not focused enough. We did not do the hard work. Society does not want us to accomplish these goals. All of societal energy is focused on assimilating individuals into the norm. It is happening when we do not even know it is happening. Society is set up to perpetuate the status quo and if you stop fighting against it you will be pulled in. Unless you are doing work that truly inspires and awakens you, you will end up feeling dead inside. Doing things you have to do to keep your lifestyle going. But the things you have to do will not be things that define you at a deeper level. They will not be things you care much about. They will be things that you pretend to be into and ultimately or eventually this is what will wear you out.

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