Self Authoring #2

Describe an Experience

Fault: Am frequently irritable or angry

Please write a short story (approximately 1,000 characters) about a time in your life when this fault created a situation that had a negative impact on your life.

Describe a time? This has effected my entire life! I am frequently irritable and angry. I grew up with a miserable and abusive man for a father so I caught the infectious misery virus. I had it drilled into me. Now I am always irritable and angry. Well almost always. You want me to pick a time in my life? How about pick a time when it was not an issue? Ok, well I can pick my current life situation. I am always irritable and angry now. I am consenting that my wife can have a boyfriend. I am saying she can do it but then when she sees him I get pissed off about it! It is making my current relationship very hard because I am always upset and shut down for the most part. I am always feeling betrayed and screwed over by my wife. Always angry at her for desiring this guy as much as she does. Wanting to see him every week. Wanting to have sex with him. I am mad at her about this. I am mad that she likes having sex with him so much. That she desires him as much as she does. That when they do have sex they have sex for hours and really go at it like two animals. I am just pissed off about this. Angry and irritable all the time even though I am giving her permission. Even though a part of me finds it hot and sexy. But I am pissed off that I keep getting pissed off and upset about it. I am mad at myself that I can not be cool about it. So this fault of mine is creating big problems in my life currently. It is making me feel upset and shut down everyday. It is making my experience of life very unpleasant. It is not fun being angry and shut down towards your wife most days. Feeling hurt and betrayed and isolated. But what bullshit! I am consenting! What is my problem? Oh yeah, I have this irritable and angry fault that is currently having a very negative impact on my life.

 

Alternative Outcome

Fault: Am frequently irritable or angry

Write a short paragraph about what you might have done differently in that situation, to minimize the effect of this fault.

An alternative outcome? Fuck. I don’t know. Get a girlfriend of my own whom I like fucking and then I might not feel so upset about things. Any ladies out there want to fuck me? But I don’t want to put in the effort. I am just too lazy I suppose. Maybe if I had a sexy girlfriend that I liked having sex with I would not feel so pissed off all the time. Maybe I just feel inadequate in this situation. Like she is having all the fun. I don’t have anyone to balance things out. What else could I do to minimize the effect of this fault? Meditate more. Take xanax. Smoke more weed. Commit myself to my own work more. Work on building up my self-esteem. Ask my wife to not see her boyfriend as much. Maybe they could just try and fuck once rather than two or three times? I don’t know. I need to do my own thing more. Make my wife aware of this fault of mine and tell her to proceed with caution. To be mindful that frequently getting irritable and/or angry is a fault of mine. What might I have done differently in this situation? Maybe not consent to her seeing her fuck buddy unless I was absolutely comfortable and ok with it. I also should not have spied on them and watched as they had highly pornographic sex in my living room (the things they did together I still can not get out of my head) and as they lay together and held each other in their arms and ran hands through hair and kissed and talk and adored each other and then fucked again. I probably did not need to see this. It hurt bad. It looked like love to me. So one thing I could do is say no more meetings with him in our home. Also I probably should have someone I can regularly talk with about this stuff.

 

Guidelines for general improvement

Fault: Am frequently irritable or angry

Now that you’ve thought about how you might have behaved differently in that particular situation, please think about this fault in more general terms. How could you work on improving this fault in general, so that such situations do not repeat themselves?

Oh fuck. I don’t know. I think I have touched on this already. How can I work on improving this fault in general, so that such situations do not repeat themselves in the future? Well I could ask my wife to stop fucking other men. But in truth there would just be something else I would get angry or irritable about. I like her being sexually wild. I would like to be more that way myself. I do not want to stand in her way. I do get something out of her having sex with other men. I don’t like the relationship part. I could ask her to really limit the relationship part. I could ask her to see more than one guy so she is not so fixated on just one person. Just meet up and fuck is fine but the relationship part makes me uncomfortable. So I could ask her to go easy with that but then I just appear like an insecure priss. I could be in therapy, I could meditate more, I could really work on having better control over my anger. I could really try to not shut down towards her when I feel upset. When I feel angry that she fucked him. When I feel jealous. I could really try and over power these feelings and be open and loving despite my fear and anger. I could be less caught up in my ego. I could just let things happen as they will and worry less. I could work on having better control over my mind and feelings. I could love more. I could have sex with her more. I could stop being so shut down. Open up. Make the most of things. Cut out the crap. Take advantage of the situation. Have lots of sex with her. Fuck her. Fuck other women. Abuse her. Screw her over. Make her feel worthless. Have fun! But I have this fucking fault of being frequently irritable and angry. It sucks. It causes me to shut down. So why won’t this self assessment tell me what to do about that? I can analyze the fuck out of a problem but hey tell me how to fix it fuckers!

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