Alone On The Internet

Sometimes I will just stare into the internet.

Where should I go? What should I read? What music can I find? What should I do? What do I need to buy?

I will just look into my computer screen as if paralyzed by an overwhelming amount of possibilities.

But I always end up doing the same things.

I will go to Facebook to see who has commented on something I posted. I will leave a status update even though I do not want to. It is as if I am so alone on the internet that Facebook has become the only place I can find familiar faces. People that I know. Something to do. Maybe even someone to enage with.

Maybe someone cool will like me.

Facebook is my internet home.

But it is a home I always want to run away from. It is a home I wish I could be done with. It is a home I do not fit in with. It is a home where most of my relationships illicit resentment in me. It is a home where I feel like I am just hanging out with nothing exciting to do. Nowhere else to go.

I always end up back at Facebook even though I really do not like it.

And then I will go to other familiar sites on the internet. The same old places I normally go. I will look for interesting things. Try and learn a bit about what is going on in the world. Besides the obscure music I find, little of it is satisfying.

I reach this point where I feel alone on the internet. I do not know where to go or what to do. No one is really talking with me. My fame is very dissapointing. The connection I look for through the internet is a cold and disatisfying connection at best.

But I keep searching. I keep coming back to the internet because I guess it is something to do. It is easy. Just go on-line. Everything in the real world is much harder than this. I mean I actually have to move and make great efforts.

I have to talk to faces.

On the internet I can just sit here. Alone. I can seek out connection and stimulation without moving more than my hands. My MacBook Air screen looks much better than real life. And it is much more responsive to the touch.

But I am alone on the internet. Few people want me. I don’t have much to do. It is like flicking through television channels. I go back and forth between this blog, Facebook, emails and a few other things. Sometimes this will feel good because I will find a cool book or record and buy it. But most of the times it leaves me feeling like a failure.

Why do I keep returning to this feeling?

I realize I am doing it to avoid other things.

I realize I don’t want to do all those other things which require effort.

I am procrastinating.

So I sit here alone on the internet.

Searching for something to do.

The Pervert

I love women’s bodies. I don’t think I love anything more.

 

Women’s bodies are the one thing I am continually in pursuit of. Women’s bodies fulfill me.

 

I am drawn to women’s bodies like I am drawn towards nothing else. Women’s bodies are the one thing I am always searching for.

 

There is a forgetfulness in a woman’s body. When I am with a women’s body I forget everything else about my life. I am in a state of pure ecstasy.

 

The feeling of being turned on or aroused by a woman’s body is the most pleasurable feeling a man can feel. There are no greater feelings for men. Even graduating from graduate school or being given a prestigious award do not feel as good as a woman’s body.

 

Men need women’s bodies. Women’s bodies are a form of very important nourishment for a man.

 

Of course, a man needs a variety of women’s bodies. He can be satisfied with one woman’s body if that body is hot and sexy enough. But a man will always desire other women’s bodies. A man will always be pulled towards women’s bodies. We like variety. When you love something as much as a man loves a woman’s body obviously, you will take as much of it as you can get.

 

Men who do not have a woman’s body that they strongly desire and that is accessible to them are very unhappy men (they normally overwork as a result). Therefore, all men should go to a strip club occasionally, or have a sexual experience with a prostitute. It is important to experience a variety of women’s bodies that you strongly desire (without any emotional attachment). It is good for men even if they pay for it. It is a very healthy thing for a man to do.

 

Nothing compares to a naked woman’s body that you love to look at and touch. A body that is the object of your perfect desire. When with this body a man is fully present. There is no death except the death of the man’s ego. It is a very spiritual state for a man to be in. A naked woman’s body is the most powerful tool in the universe that a man can use to reach enlightened states of being.  Meditation cannot compare.

 

There is nothing that I want more than a woman’s body. I am always on the lookout. No matter where I go I am looking. I enjoy sitting at cafes and looking. Looking for that ideal woman’s body. When I see it, I stare. I wonder if she would fuck me. I am not disrespectful but I stare. If she looks at me I will normally look away. I am getting better at making eye contact and saying hello. But a woman’s body is so powerful that I am very intimidated when it is turned towards me. It must be what people feel like in the face of certain Gods.

 

All I want is a woman’s body. A variety of women’s bodies. It is all I care about. It is all I am in pursuit of. I suppose my job and making money and how I dress and the way I speak are all designed to keep me desirable to other women’s bodies. Almost everything I do in my life is for women’s bodies.

 

I am not nearly as happy or ecstatic when not around a women’s body that I desire. Things are lacking and less fulfilling. I feel pulled to find a woman’s body that I desire. I can hold off on the pull for a while but eventually I will watch porn, watch cam girls, go to a café and look at beautiful women’s bodies and sometimes I will go to a strip club and watch naked women’s bodies (this in some ways is a blissful experience). Sometime I will pay a woman a good amount of money and have a very enjoyable sexual experience with her. Sometimes I will go to sex parties and seek out other women’s bodies.

 

Few things are as enjoyable for me as doing things that involve the pursuit of a woman’s body. A dinner party without an attractive woman’s body present is a very unenjoyable thing for me. In fact any situation where there is the absence of an attractive woman’s body is not nearly as enjoyable for me. My love for a woman’s body is total and complete.

 

I am in constant pursuit of a woman’s body. On-line and in life. I have been this way all my life so I presume it is natural. In fact, at the age of 47, I feel like it is a sign of health.

On Being Too High, Part 2

I survived.

 

Here I sit, 10:34am. Listening to XXXTENTACION’s first album. I’ve survived being too high.

 

The miserable, sickening high is gone and I am left with what is left over.

 

The good thing about being too high is that the next morning you are left feeling relatively ok. Unlike alcohol which will destroy you.

 

I am tired, a bit sluggish but mostly relieved that that is over. Being too high is rarely fun.

 

But I am also angry. Why did I get too high? Why was my high so bad? I mean I only took three hits from a high quality joint. People smoke ten times as much as I did. What is wrong with me?

 

I am a daily pot smoker. I smoke everyday, all day. Not to be stoned but to self-medicated my anxiety and paranoia prone brain. I smoke pot everyday, all day because it makes me happier and more functional. It allows me to be less miserable and after a lifetime of misery that says a lot. I sleep better and feel better when I use marijuana all the time. But if I am inconsistent with my use things can go to hell.

 

Yesterday I did not smoke until the evening. Maybe this is what went wrong. Maybe I need to smoke small amounts from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep, everyday. Maybe then I could avoid the miserable fate I suffered last night.

 

But still, why can’t I smoke more sometimes? Why do I get so messed up some times if I take two or three hits from a joint? I suppose it has to do with the strain and the head space I am in. Marijuana is so fucking unpredictable and this is why I like to take it easy and slow. But sometimes I just want to get super high and have fun.

 

But someone like me must be careful. I already have a brain programmed for being preoccupied with worst case scenarios. When I lose control of how I am feeling my brain freaks out, where maybe others remain calm. But I am sure no one enjoys the feeling of the room spinning and barley being able to see out of their eyes.

 

Last night was no fun. I don’t want that to happen again. But if it does I just need to remember that I am really high and it is my brain messing with me. That I will survive and all will be ok in time once the THC dwindles away.

 

This is where meditation practice can help the marijuana user. If shit ever gets too uncomfortable, a person can use their meditation skills to remain calm and patient even though everything feels terrifying and messed up. Meditation and marijuana really do go well together.

 

Now I am not high anymore. It is a new day. I feel better and I also feel like I want to be stoned again. Like every cliché pot user I want to get to a point where I have mastered every kind of high. So even when a marijuana user has a bad trip he or she has to start again the next day. You almost freaked out. You were terribly uncomfortable. It was not fun. You know you still have work to do.

 

Time to take a small hit from my joint.

On Being Too High

It’s not a very comfortable feeling. It comes upon you from out of nowhere.

I thought weed and I were good and then I smoke this.

Suddenly I realize I am uncomfortably high. This is not fun. I am much too self aware. Too sensitive to the machinations of my body.

My head feels like a bobbing boat. Up and down and around, things are almost spinning. My head feels heavier than it normally does. I don’t feel terribly well.

It has been hours now and the uncomfortable high is still there. When looking through my own eyes it is still difficult to focus. Then I think that what if I always feel like this? What if this never ends? This is a terrifying thought but remind myself that I am being paranoid. I remind myself this will fade with time.

But I am too high. This is not fun. I want my head back. Every strange sensation in my body makes me feel even more uncomfortable. Right now my brain is not my friend. It is catastrophizing.

I have to squint to see the words on this screen. I have to try to focus. Have I been poisoned? I am sure many stoned people have had this thought.

I just need to focus. I am fine. So I feel very strange. Deal with it. Use your meditation skills to remain aware of the experience  but not attached or reactive to it. Just watch it like you would watch clouds moving across the sky. Everything is fine, you just need to remain focused.

Thise will pass.

Don’t freak out.

My Collected Dating App Bios #1

My name is Zev Afferdy. I am looking to have a good time with a lady. I prefer that she is young and not yet drooping. I am introverted but good to have conversations with. I dress well and take care of myself. I am highly intellectual and enjoy activities like reading, writing, listening to music, drawing and painting. I am not interested in sports or women who wear hats. Interested?

 

 

I am a married man in a polyamorous relationship. My wife has two boyfriends and I do not have any girlfriends. This causes me to often be left at home alone while my wife is out having sex with other men. This causes me to feel very jealous and angry. I also feel embarrassed that I cannot get anyone. Makes me look bad but I try to play it off as if I was not interested in dating other women. But this is not true. I would love to date and have sex with another woman. If you are interested in helping me level out the playing field with my wife, please swipe right.

 

Have you heard about the summer camp for introverts? Neither have I because no one showed up. I actually made that joke up. I have made up other jokes. I am a funny guy in a weird way. My humor is not normal or typical. My humor is strange and perverted. I only find really fucked up or unusual things funny. I guess you could say my humor is dark. “Jack Ass” is one of the few shows that I have watched where I lost control of my laughter. Another was “Borat.” And the first “Pink Panther.” We will have a fun time.

 

Hi there. I am looking for a very attractive younger woman to have fun with. I know that I am almost 47 but I still look good for my age and am young at heart. You will be safe with me. I do not have a violent bone in my body. I trap bugs in glasses and then set them free outside. I am a writer, cartoonist, painter, meditation teacher, mindfulness counselor and retired psychotherapist. Yes, I am confused about what I do and who I am. Ideally I would just like to write and draw full-time but this has not happened for me yet. Interested?

 

Want to let me buy you a drink? We could meet and then come back to my home and talk and listen to records. I will turn my fireplace on and we can just hang out and chill. Interested?

 

I am going to be honest- I am on here because I want to have sex. I would like to have sex with an attractive young lady. I am not interested in a serious relationship. Something casual where we can have sex a few times a week. I am very perverted and like kinky sex. Are you interested or are you just like all the other uptight and shame-ridden prudes on here?

 

Hi. My name is Zev Afferdy. Obviously that is not my real name. I will tell you my real name when we meet. I am a very cool guy. I like reading, listening to weird music, writing fictional stories and drawing. I am introverted. I don’t really like hanging out with people if they don’t not have anything interesting and deep to say. It is just a waste of time if we are not going to have intelligent conversations. I would rather be alone and lost in my head. Want to hang out sometime?

 

Hello there. I am a mindfulness based counselor, a meditation instructor and a writer. I own my own business and make a good amount of money each week. I am financially independent but have a good amount of debt. But you don’t have to worry about that since I am not wanting anything serious with you. I am just looking for a nice time. I will show you how to meditate. Interested?

 

Few things are better than looking at an attractive women with no clothes on. I really enjoy doing this and was on this dating app hoping to meet a woman who wants to take off her clothes and have sex with me. I like women who are slutty. Shy women are a turn off for me. I like a woman who is confident in the nude. None of this, “but I am fat”  “please turn off the lights” crap. If you are this kind of girl swipe left.

 

Looking for a lovely lady to casually date. Nothing serious. I am a fun guy to hang out with. I will not harm you. I am interested in more solitary activities. I hate sports and I hate 99% of people who like sports. These people are ruining the world as far as I am concerned. I read too much and listen to a lot of records. I would like to make a living as an absurdist writer but this has not happened for me yet. So I have to submit and make my money in other ways. I am financially independent and own a nice home. Want to come over?

 

Look, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to meet a lovely young woman whom I can have a sexual relationship with. I can remain emotionally independent. I just want to hang out, have fun, talk and have sex. Is this too much to ask for? Why are there so many prudes out there who are not interested in hook-ups? If you can’t enjoy hook-ups what is the point of life? I would like to find a woman who is ok with weekly hook-ups. This is all I ask for.

 

I am an anarchist, omnivore, anxious, worried, hypochondriac, intellectual, introverted, solitary, isolated, well-dressed, handsome, horny, perverted, considerate and kind human being. As you can tell I am also very honest. I am starving for intellectual and sexual stimulation. Will you feed me?

 

A few things you should know about me: I often drink too much coffee and freak out. I am better when I am stoned and I am stoned most hours of each day. I worry a lot about things that I do not know why I worry about. I am in a polyamorous marriage with a woman who has sex with a lot of guys and is very slutty, deceptive and deviant. I often feel alone but this is not my wife’s fault, I am just a lonely man. I want to make a living as a fiction writer but have accepted this may never happen. I probably will not like you but I will pretend to like you anyways. I really just want your body, I am not that interested in your mind. I am a pervert and frequently hang out at strip clubs. I like whores. Interested?

My Depressed, Existential Husband

This morning my wife called me her depressed, existential husband. My initial response, my reflexive response was to say, “Really? That is how you think of me?” But quickly I realized that she is right. That is exactly what I am most days.

 

A part of me doesn’t mind. Yeah, I am a depressed, existential husband and I don’t mind. Its ok with me being this way because it makes sense given the circumstance of being alive. Another part of me thinks that I do not want to be this way. That I wished I felt better and could somehow get to a place where things feel good and I am happy.

 

What do I mean by happy? A place where I am not complaining about my life all the time. Where I am not speaking out in pain and discontent. A place where the offenses of my mother and father and wife no longer preoccupy the back part of my brain. A place where I am being myself and doing the work that I want to do. A place where I have lived up to my own expectations for myself. A place that feels good most of the time despite the ups and downs of life. This would be happy to me.

 

Is this happy place possible for me or am I doomed to be a depressed, existentialist no matter what I accomplish? There is certainly a part of me that is a depressed, existentialist. I do not presume this part of me will ever come to pass. I’ve had this nature since young. I am too aware of the transient nature of everything to not be fundamentally existential. I am too aware of the fleeting nature of time to not be depressed. Even as a husband I am too aware that my wife and I and our dogs will die to not feel a chronic aching sadness in the back of my mind. Now that I have survived cancer, the reality of non-existence has been placed at my front door.

 

I meditate to better handle the realities of this life and I do believe that meditation is the only thing that works for the kind of distress I imbibe. I do believe in a god but I have not concern for what this god is since I can never know. In the not knowing I find my faith in something greater but agnosticism is not often much of an antidote for being a depressed and existential husband. I guess it helps a bit knowing something or someone is there.

 

But what tends to get me down the most is not the death of things. I think I have moved beyond accepting this. It is the way things are and all we can do is hang on the best we can. Our end will come to so let’s make the most of this time before it swallows us. But what gets me down, what causes me to be a depressed husband is the feeling that I am not myself in the world. That I have not succeeded in doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life. That I have suffered from too much self-doubt, too much fear, too much feeling like I am not good to have ever had a chance. I suppose I get depressed because I have not been able to materialize the kind of life I would like to have for myself and now I have to settle for second or third best. I’m not a good loser even though I think of myself as one.

 

You see, I am not very motivated by money. Making money as the sole reason for doing something does not interested me. I am not interested in playing the money making role that is so much a part of American society. The game makes me feel like I am not being myself and this is a feeling I can’t seem to make peace with. Does anyone? Would alcohol be as popular if people felt good about doing this?

 

I am a creative person. I like to think of myself as a weird person. An artist. I enjoy expressing myself and saying and making things that are not conventional. I hate being conventional but in a sense, have carved out a very conventional life for myself. I feel alone in this even though everyone is doing it! But I feel alone in my struggle. I feel alone in my inability to be proud of myself. I feel alone in my despair. If I talk about it, I feel pathetic. Or I feel like I am taking things for granted and no one wants to hear it. I do myself a disservice when I talk about it. I am putting myself down in other people’s eyes and this makes me feel more alone. But that is ok. This is a part of who I am and I suppose that I just need to be able to feel better about being this depressed, existentialist person.

 

But I am not fit for normal society. I do not like it. But I am disappointed in my own inability to get myself someplace else. I took some wrong steps along the way. I didn’t work hard enough. I didn’t stay the course as an artist. I had too much self-doubt. With a father who is always telling me that I am wrong for doing the things that I want to do, I never had a chance. BUT now I feel like I am getting closer to being able to do the things I want to do anyways. I have been beaten up bad but I am starting to feel like I have the strength and ability to get myself off the ground, climb up to the ship’s wheel and steer the ship in the direction I want it to go in. I am beginning to work harder for this. And to carve out a life for yourself that you are happy with in a society that demands getting on hands and knees (on the ground), requires much hard work and persistence. You must keep trying. Who knows, maybe this time it will be it. You must keep trying.

 

Everything I wrote above I am speaking to myself, by the way.

 

But on this Monday, I am the depressed, existentialist husband. I am tired. I am long ago burned out on the work I do. What I do for money wears me down. It is not what I want to be doing anymore. It is the same fucking thing, week after week. I look forward to my weekends on Mondays. I plan for Friday night on Monday morning. I cannot wait for the salvation of my weekend. But I never wanted to be this guy. This is not the path I wanted to take because it is the path more commonly traveled. I don’t like this. As an existentialist, I know life is short. I know all of this can vanish in a second so I have little time to waste. But fear and comfort tend to win out over common sense. Week, after week, I take the road more commonly traveled by most in this society of mine.

 

When I take a path that only a handful travel, the path of the artist, then I will feel happier with myself. So, I think. Who knows, maybe I will feel more alone. I don’t think so. I think happiness is when we accomplish our own goals for ourselves. I have a few goals that I have not reached yet. They are destinations which have always been in my mind. They say it is all about the journey and not the destination. That is bullshit. That is a saying designed to help you enjoy your mediocrity. Your submission. Not, it is about reaching your destination because the journey is, for most of us, brutal. It is the journey, a journey filled with abuse, illness, despair, submission, worry, unhappiness, pain, hard work, fear, self-doubt, terror, which is hard to be happy with. But I keep making the climb. I keep at it, not unlike Sisyphus. What choice do I have? I keep making the climb, going in the direction I want to go. It is a long climb. I take a few steps each day. For now, that is all I can do and I can only hope that time and god and whomever else is involved will grant me the ability to make it to the top.