Here I sit, 10:34am. Listening to XXXTENTACION’s first album. I’ve survived being too high.
The miserable, sickening high is gone and I am left with what is left over.
The good thing about being too high is that the next morning you are left feeling relatively ok. Unlike alcohol which will destroy you.
I am tired, a bit sluggish but mostly relieved that that is over. Being too high is rarely fun.
But I am also angry. Why did I get too high? Why was my high so bad? I mean I only took three hits from a high quality joint. People smoke ten times as much as I did. What is wrong with me?
I am a daily pot smoker. I smoke everyday, all day. Not to be stoned but to self-medicated my anxiety and paranoia prone brain. I smoke pot everyday, all day because it makes me happier and more functional. It allows me to be less miserable and after a lifetime of misery that says a lot. I sleep better and feel better when I use marijuana all the time. But if I am inconsistent with my use things can go to hell.
Yesterday I did not smoke until the evening. Maybe this is what went wrong. Maybe I need to smoke small amounts from the moment I wake until the moment I go to sleep, everyday. Maybe then I could avoid the miserable fate I suffered last night.
But still, why can’t I smoke more sometimes? Why do I get so messed up some times if I take two or three hits from a joint? I suppose it has to do with the strain and the head space I am in. Marijuana is so fucking unpredictable and this is why I like to take it easy and slow. But sometimes I just want to get super high and have fun.
But someone like me must be careful. I already have a brain programmed for being preoccupied with worst case scenarios. When I lose control of how I am feeling my brain freaks out, where maybe others remain calm. But I am sure no one enjoys the feeling of the room spinning and barley being able to see out of their eyes.
Last night was no fun. I don’t want that to happen again. But if it does I just need to remember that I am really high and it is my brain messing with me. That I will survive and all will be ok in time once the THC dwindles away.
This is where meditation practice can help the marijuana user. If shit ever gets too uncomfortable, a person can use their meditation skills to remain calm and patient even though everything feels terrifying and messed up. Meditation and marijuana really do go well together.
Now I am not high anymore. It is a new day. I feel better and I also feel like I want to be stoned again. Like every cliché pot user I want to get to a point where I have mastered every kind of high. So even when a marijuana user has a bad trip he or she has to start again the next day. You almost freaked out. You were terribly uncomfortable. It was not fun. You know you still have work to do.
Time to take a small hit from my joint.