Sometimes I will just stare into the internet.
Where should I go? What should I read? What music can I find? What should I do? What do I need to buy?
I will just look into my computer screen as if paralyzed by an overwhelming amount of possibilities.
But I always end up doing the same things.
I will go to Facebook to see who has commented on something I posted. I will leave a status update even though I do not want to. It is as if I am so alone on the internet that Facebook has become the only place I can find familiar faces. People that I know. Something to do. Maybe even someone to enage with.
Maybe someone cool will like me.
Facebook is my internet home.
But it is a home I always want to run away from. It is a home I wish I could be done with. It is a home I do not fit in with. It is a home where most of my relationships illicit resentment in me. It is a home where I feel like I am just hanging out with nothing exciting to do. Nowhere else to go.
I always end up back at Facebook even though I really do not like it.
And then I will go to other familiar sites on the internet. The same old places I normally go. I will look for interesting things. Try and learn a bit about what is going on in the world. Besides the obscure music I find, little of it is satisfying.
I reach this point where I feel alone on the internet. I do not know where to go or what to do. No one is really talking with me. My fame is very dissapointing. The connection I look for through the internet is a cold and disatisfying connection at best.
But I keep searching. I keep coming back to the internet because I guess it is something to do. It is easy. Just go on-line. Everything in the real world is much harder than this. I mean I actually have to move and make great efforts.
I have to talk to faces.
On the internet I can just sit here. Alone. I can seek out connection and stimulation without moving more than my hands. My MacBook Air screen looks much better than real life. And it is much more responsive to the touch.
But I am alone on the internet. Few people want me. I don’t have much to do. It is like flicking through television channels. I go back and forth between this blog, Facebook, emails and a few other things. Sometimes this will feel good because I will find a cool book or record and buy it. But most of the times it leaves me feeling like a failure.
Why do I keep returning to this feeling?
I realize I am doing it to avoid other things.
I realize I don’t want to do all those other things which require effort.
I am procrastinating.
So I sit here alone on the internet.
Searching for something to do.