Relationships are impossible to define. We want to be able to define them and make sense of them from what little information we have but who can really make sense of a relationship?
I have been in numerous relationships over the past 35 years and I still don’t think I know that much more about them than when I began.
But there are a few things that we can certainly boil relationships down to. In relationship you are either completely into a person or you are not. This much we know even though partners will spend a lifetime denying their uncertainty to the other partner.
I have been in one or two relationships with another person where I had no doubt that I wanted to be with that person. I have been in several relationships where I was not sure. I loved the person, I liked my life with that person (to some extent) but I was always wondering if there was not something better for me out there. I wanted more than I was getting with that person and this caused me to long for something else.
In short, I was not that into the person whom I was uncertain about. I loved them very much. I cared for them very much. I wanted to be with them but if something better came along I would be out the door. If nothing better came along, I would stay with them for life.
These are basic things about relationships we all know. We can quantify relationships down into these fundamentals. You are into someone or you are into someone but also not sure.
And in many relationships, someone better does often come along. This is what keeps divorce lawyers rich.
Currently, I am in a relationship with someone who is sort of into me but not sure. She tells me that she loves me, she seems to be very committed to me, she cares about our lives together but she wants to have other relationships. She wants to have a boyfriend. She does not want to be monogamous anymore.
What this means is that she is not that into me. She wants something else because what I have to offer her is not good enough for her. She wants more. A more active and dominating lover, a person who is really into her, an easy and fun partnerships with someone. By having this with another person it makes it less stressful to be with me.
She no longer feels like she is missing out on something else because she now has those other things she is not able to get from me.
In a sense, she has the best of both worlds. She has a boyfriend who she is very attracted to, who has the physique, sex drive and strength that she likes and who can dominate her sexually. She has someone whom she can have a fun and easy relationship with.
And then she has me who gives her the support and security of an adult relationship. She has the house and the marriage and the companionship. She has the status and security that makes her look stable in the eyes of others. And she has the sex that she has with me not nearly and as often and intensely as she would like.
So I understand. I allow her to go off and do what she wants. She has great sexual chemistry with this guy and they seem to have a great time together. Would I want this for myself? Probably not. Requires too much effort. I don’t want another relationship with another woman. I get all of that from my wife. I want to sleep with other women every once in a while, but I can go to a strip club or a sex party with my wife for that. I do not need the extra effort of a secondary relationship because I get everything I want sexually from my current partner.
I am into her.
I don’t want a secondary relationship because I am certain that I want to be with my wife. My wife need a secondary relationship because she is uncertain about whether or not her relationship with me is good enough for her. Sure I am a cool and successful guy. In many ways, by being with me I make her look better than she really is (socially speaking). I make her look smarter and more accomplished. I am not unaware of what I do for her and why she would not want to give me up until something better comes along.
But will something better come along?
I am a tough one to beat but I am also aware that I have some fatal flaws. There are many men out there who would have me beat in many ways. Chances of her coming across one of these men is slim, but if she did I know she would leave.
How do I know?
Because I was once in a similar situation as her and something better did come along and I left my then partner. I left for my current partner.
Now I am in a similar situation that my previous partner was in with me. Strange how things come full circle. I am not a big believer in karma but what else could I think? Coincidence?
Now look, she wants to have a boyfriend. She wants to go out and get things that she is not getting from me. She wants to ease the stress of being married to a guy that you are not really that into for various reasons by having a relationship with someone else. Ok. I get it. Who am I to say no. I don’t want to force a person to be monogamous to me. That never ends well.
I can get turned on by her having sex with other guys. I can get turned on by her having sexual relationships with other guys (or girls). But it is the relationship with another guy that hurts. It hurts because it makes me feel like I am not good enough. It causes me to feel like she is not fully and completely with me (I don’t need her to be this way with me sexually but I do need it in terms of an emotional connection). It is a simple mathematical fact that if you are having a relationship with someone else your relationship with your main partner may feel more fragmented. More subtracted from. Less fully connected. And this is why polyamory often does not work. Everyone needs to feel like their main partner is fully into them.
Of course my current partner would never admit any of this to me but that is because she is mostly a chicken shit. She does not have the courage and mental fortitude to speak the total truth and I understand. In my previous relationship I don’t think I could have done the same. It would have been too scary. I thought about it but I was too afraid of being left. So I kept to myself and eventually I was the one who left when something better came along. I was a chicken shit and I ended up deeply hurting someone I still very much care about (but who would piss on my grave if she had the chance).
So it is a complicated situation. A situation that could be easily solved by being fully monogamous and working to be more into the person you are with. But my current partner knows that doing this would probably cause her to be more unhappy and put her at greater risk of leaving me for someone else. Maybe this is true. Maybe by allowing her to have a boyfriend she is relieving the stress that if not relieved would cause her to eventually leave me for someone else.
I am sure this is why I consent to her going to see her boyfriend. Go have a good time, go get your rocks off and return to me a safer partner. A partner who is not going to leave me.
But everything in life is uncertain. You can’t know anything for certain no matter how monogamous your relationship is. My previous partner never imagined that I would leave her for someone else. And I did. It is very possible that my current partner will leave me for someone else and she probably will at some point. But who knows if I will even be alive when this point comes, so why worry about it? I know it won’t happen tomorrow.
But the real question I keep going over in my head is why do I want to be with someone who is uncertain about being just with me? Why do I want to have a partner who is no longer fully into just me? Why do I want to be with someone who I know feels a similar way about me as I felt about my previous partner?
I know I am not easy. I know that being in a relationship with me is hard. But I do not really know the answers to my questions. I suppose it is because I like the life I have with my current partner. I like having sex and going on sexual adventures with my current partner. I like our life together so I put up with all the rest. It may not be a good choice for me emotionally but I tolerate the fallout.
I tolerate being with someone who is not completely into me because I don’t feel I can do any better. This situation is good enough. I have something great now. A partner who is hot and cool. A partner who is a lot younger than I and with an insatiable, slutty sexual appetite. A partner who gives me everything I need. A partner who leaves me alone to be myself. A partner who does nice things for me. A partner who is a lot of fun and down to do whatever. Where am I going to find someone better than this? Isn’t this good enough?
And hell, I really dont want to be single and alone. Not at my age.
To hell with needing her to be fully into me. Maybe all of that is overrated. I can put up with this. It’s good enough.
Until she leaves me for someone else.