I am a 47-year-old blogger.
I am attractive and like really odd literature and music. I am an outsider. At least that is how I like to imagine myself. In the lineage of Burroughs, Brautigan, Negativland and A Clockwork Orange.
Most of my time is spent reading and writing and listening to music and just wandering around with headphones on. Basically avoiding adult life as much as possible. I know this is not what a responsible 47-year-old should be doing.
But I am a blogger. The moment I become responsible and average I will not like what I write.
Most of my literary output comes in spurts. It is not consistent and disciplined. It is fragmented and micro-dosed. This is what is called blogging.
I blog because it suits my ADHD riddled brain. It is difficult for me to stay consistent with anything for an extended period of time. Even a wife. It feels like death when I do anything for too long.
Blogging is a nice compromise. I can write these brief and fragmented entries and post them. In time I hope they add up to a larger whole. It is how I trick myself into writing a long book.
Blogging is how I trick myself into writing a long book.
This is the hope. This is the intention. This is the dream.
After 30 years of trying to write novels I have had to find a different approach. I seem to be incapable of writing a novel. I finish first drafts but the idea of going back to them and editing feels like extracting teeth. I can’t seem to do it.
Blogging has been a method that seems to work for my abortive mind.
I have been blogging consistently for 11 years. Nothing has come of it. Few read what I write. I think that what I write is too incomprehensible to the uncreative and untormented mind. Most prefer more practical things.
Maybe I am just terrible at marketing.
I have two other blogs filled with hundreds of entries. These blogs float around in digital space like lonely islands no one ever visits. That is fine. I know that one day these islands will be discovered and colonized. I know that all good things come in time. My only job as a blogger is to keep writing and posting.
“Everything is going fine. No trouble. Just get set and get going.” This is what I tell myself every time it comes to writing a blog entry. It is easy to get discouraged when after 11 years of blogging you have no more readers than the day you started. I have to remind myself why I am doing this (to write a longer book). I have to keep myself from being discouraged.
Maybe I need to quit blogging. Maybe by quitting blogging I would be happier and more productive in my life. It is discouraging to be a blogger that few read. If I quit I would not have to deal with that feeling of defeat. I remind myself that if 1 person reads something I post, that is enough.
People do not understand what a blogger is. A blogger is not someone who writes and posts self-help or personal growth essays. A blogger is not someone who posts about politics, current events, music or technology. These people are just opportunists trying to use blogging as a way to make money and be known. They are hacks.
A blogger is someone who writes about what they think and how they feel. A blogger is taking off their clothes and exposing their inner life. Sometimes a blogger will make art out of their life by embellishing certain experiences they have. Maybe a blogger will even make up stories about themselves. Whatever the case, a blogger will always tell the truth about themselves. A blogger seeks out c=therapuetic (therapuetic catharsis) through blogging. An antidote to chaos, anonymity and the status quo. A blog is a location that deviates away from more traditional forms of publishing and as a result allows a blogger to freely unbosom themselves without critique. This is what blogging is. This is what it was meant to be before the hacks took over.
I am a blogger and will continue to try to communicate with you in the most authentic way I have found. That is the point of blogging. That is what a blogger does. The blog is a secret weapon againts absolute conformity. It challenges the way you think because I am free to express myself.