I notice that it is difficult for me to allow myself to be really happy. To let my life be really good. There is something in me that says, “No you can’t do this. You are not allowed to be really happy and good or else something bad will happen.” It is as if I fear letting my guard all the way down and being really happy with my life (because then maybe I have more to lose). I have to make a real effort, like using a muscle, to really allow myself to be happy. It is like doing something that I am afraid of. For most of my life I sabotaged my happiness. The unhappiness felt safe. But now I am getting to a point where I can allow myself to feel the happiness, to let the happiness in, to feel like my life is really good and to not fuck it all up.