Toilet Ruminations #100

Here I am again sitting on the toilet thinking. I have gotten off track for a while. I need to get back to why I originally began this blog. To be able to just sit here and ruminate. I have ventured off into writing pseudo-essays and stories but that is not why I started this blog. I got off track again. I am always getting off track. My ability to focus is limited. Fortified by a wicked need to check my phone. Always checking my phone. That thing goes with me wherever I go. Or I go with it wherever it goes. Who is running who at this point? I don’t know why I even bother with these ruminations anymore. I think that digital life has got me feeling worse. Every time I pick up my phone nobody is there. Every time I ruminate it is like talking with a wall. This digital engagement thing is incredibly lonely. Unless you sell out. If I talked about more motivational and positive things there would be more people wanting to speak with me. That is what people who go on blogs and Instagram are mostly interested in. Few consult blogs for literature. Literary readers tend to stay away from the blogging sphere. But I could be wrong. Maybe what I am doing isn’t any good and hence the absence of engagement. But I don’t care. Ruminating is cathartic and I do it for my own good. Few things are as beneficial for my mind as sitting here on the toilet and purging it of all thought. But I am being held hostage by the digital world. I am addicted like everyone else. Or like most others. I just resist my addiction while everyone has given in. But I and you know this is where the future is leading so why not give in? I am working on it but it is this feeling so alone, this feeling dissatisfied with everything in life, which I believe is a side effect of my continual digital engagement, which can not be good, which I know was not there before I became addicted to all things digital, which I try to accept and make peace with but it is always there and it comes out as me giving everyone else in my life a hard time, which is really just me being dissatisfied and lonely in my own life, which is not good that I am accusing others of not doing what they should be doing, which is really just me feeling lonely and wanting others to take away my loneliness, which is really not a good thing to do because I need to figure this one out for myself. That is why I am getting back on track. This is why I am going to once again be toilet ruminating more frequently. It is what I need to do to survive.

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