Toilet Ruminations #101

You want me to stop feeling unworthy? You want me to overcome the amount of time I spend beating myself up for not accomplishing the things I have wanted to accomplish? For being the person that I am? But I have built a life out of feeling unworthy. I have been working hard at feeling unworthy for all of my life. It is the one constant in my life and it is the one thing my father taught me well. And now you want me to stop feeling unworthy? To do away with my shame, let go of the past and to value myself more in the present? Common. What kind of person would I become? The kind of person who is positive, motivated and happy with themselves? The kind of person who has embraced a self-help psychology and as a result become happier and more productive in their lives? Have you ever met more boring people in your life? This would absolutely destroy everything I have worked so hard for. Without continually beating myself up I would become the kind of person who is just like all these other people going to Tony Robbins conferences and Zen monastaries. Do I really want to be that? If I no longer felt unworthy I would have to leave my wife or significantly alter our relationship. I would have to leave my job and I would have to quit writing and making art. My life is dependent upon feeling unworthy. Nothing would work if I did not feel unworthy. You would not be reading this. Would I really want to create the sort of things that would come from a person who feels worthy and confident? I can’t imagine that it would be any good. I mean what kind of interesting art or literature comes from a person who does not feel like a complete piece of shit? Feeling pathetic and beating yourself up and all the struggles this involves is a core part of making things of interest. No, I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t feel unworthy. Some of the best sex I have ever had has come from feeling like a worthless, pathetic, no good, piece of shit. Being sexually turned on is dependent upon how worthless I feel. I can’t imagine that feeling worthy and confident with a woman would be any fun. The thrill would not hold up in comparison. I am tired of the self-help movement undervaluing the importance of feeling unworthy. An entire identity can be built out of feeling unworthy and much good can come from this. Especially in a day and age where everyone is conforming to pop psychology. Why does good have to be valued in terms of joy and happiness? Why can’t good be valued in terms of despair, cynicism, depression, loneliness, perversion, self-hatred, hatred of others and continually beating oneself up? AFTER ALL, THESE ARE THE TRUE ICONOCLASTIC QUALITIES. After all it is these emotional states that cultivate contemplation and dwelling in thought. AND NOTHING INTERESTING GROWS FROM THE PERSON WHO REFUSES TO DWELL.

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