Rumination #105

What is it with me? Why do I feel so uncomfortable socially? I get around people and I feel like my breath constricts. I become dizzy. I am being sucked into myself and working hard to stay out. I can’t think straight. I can’t talk straight. I say things that I don’t really mean. I say things that surprise me. I feel like everything is moving fast. What is this? Social anxiety? But I should be way beyond social anxiety. I am a successful psychologist. I feel confident with myself. I meditate every morning. But I get around other people and lose myself. I forget about my feet touching the ground. I lose my grip. Why is this? Is it because I do not like people and I am being forced to be friendly with people? Is it because I feel like I can not be myself around other people? Is it because I become confused about who I am when around other people? I don’t understand. When I am alone I am happy to be alone. When I am alone I feel disdain towards other people. I want to be away from all people. I am happy separated from other humans. But is this because I really do not like other people or is it because I am so insecure and confused when around other people that it is much easier being alone? I had a father who crushed my sense of self growing up. He made a habit out of putting me down. I could do nothing right. If I did not do what he thought was right I was condemned and brutalized. Could my current confusion and anxiety around other people be rooted in this? Is my confused sense of a social self a result of growing up in an environment where everything I did was wrong? What does it even mean to be yourself? What is myself anyways? Who am I? I don’t think I have a real sense of this because it is always changing. But I see others around other people. They seem calm and relaxed in themselves. For me it is not like that. Sometimes it is but I often feel unsettled. I feel like I am struggling not to come off as a fool. Is it because I do not want to be talking with these people but I am forcing myself to do it and as a result feel like I am being a fraud? I have a difficult time being disingenuous. I am not good at it. I have been told that I am not fit for human interaction because I can’t fake it. Because I can’t play the social game. But I try. I really do. And maybe this is what makes me feel so uncomfortable around others. This inability to be my curmudgeonly self. My inability to be the introverted, anti-social weirdo that I am when around others. I have to come off like I am a man of positive and responsible standing but this is not really who I am. There is this divide between the person I am and the person I create for you. But we all do this to an extent. Why does in make me so anxious? Why can’t I just be calm and easy when talking with others? Why do I feel this shaking ground in me every time I talk to another? Maybe it is something I will never understand. Maybe I am just socially ill equipped and that is just the way I am.

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