Toilet Rumination #111

I’m tired. The house is quiet. There is fluid in my lungs. The rain is coming down outside. There is a slight itch on the tip of my penis. My stomach is full. I sit here, locked in my bathroom not sure what to do with myself. My wife is out. She has other plans than to be with me. She often has other plans than to be with me. She prefers being with other men as well. I don’t mind. It is fine. I get a break from her peripatetic energy. I get silence instead. Stillness. A quiet house. Solitude. But I don’t know what to do with myself. I look at the escort outcall adds. Some of the women are very attractive. I contemplate sending some of them a text. Find out what they would charge for a half hour of their time. But then I ask myself, do I really want to do this? Do I really want to have a strange woman come over to my home to have sex with me? Do I want to spend my money on sex? Will it irritate the itch on my penis even more? I feel ambivalent about sex. Sure it would be nice to have a sexual experience with one of these escorts. I could have her over and have a good time with her on my bed. Then I would not feel like my wife is holding the advantage over me. Then I would feel like I am balancing things out between her and I. I would not just be home alone, sitting on my toilet and ruminating. By having a sexy escort over I would make myself more legitimate. I would have more sex appeal. She would not be the only one having fun with another person. But do I really want to go through the trouble? I am tired. It has been a long day. I got too stoned in the morning and it took the entire day to wear away. I had to interact with many different people. I had to do hard work that was hard because I did not really want to be doing it. Do I really want to interact with another human right now? No. I would rather sit here in my bathroom ruminating. I want to eat something sweet. I want to get in bed and watch a film. I want to enjoy my solitude. My peace and quiet. The absence of a wife. I want to retreat from the human world. Why would I want to have some out of work struggling actress over to my home and have sex with her? Sure it may make me feel more desirable in my wife’s eyes but I do not care. There is a decade and a half age difference between us. She should be out and I should be in bed. I am tired. I am tired of the mad pursuit. The pursuit of what? Everything. All my years pursuing sex and women has caused me to end up still wanting to pursue illicit women of the night. But I am less interested now. These women have less power over me. Less appeal. I prefer to remain alone. This moments of solitude are now more valuable to me than those moments of ambivelant naked flesh. It is raining hard outside. I still have to move my van into the driveway. It’s going to be cold and wet out there. I don’t want to go. I dont want to do it. Maybe I will leave my van on the street. By choosing to not spend my money on an escort I will have extra cash flow to pay for the parking ticket. It is quiet in this house. I can hear the silence. I prefer things this way. Maybe I will text an escort. See if we can hook up tomorrow night.

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