Toilet Rumination #112

I get anxious being in relationship with people who lack organization, concentration and motivation. When I am in relationship with people who are too relaxed, who let things go, who do not consider consequences, who do not mind disorder- I freak out. My arm hairs stand up and vibrate. I become very nervous. It is like living in a house with an unstable foundation. Anything can happen at any moment. Things feel completely out of order. There are many people who do well without order. Who just fly by the seat of their pants and don’t care much for the future. I say I don’t care about the future but that is wrong. I am always looking towards the future. Always trying to safeguard the future. Whether it is through my work, meditation, exercise, the food I eat, the people I have sex with, the house I live in and on and on- I am always trying to guarantee the existence and stability of things in the future. Mainly I am trying to guarantee the survival of myself in a mode of living which is not broke and destitute. When I am in relationship with people who are not as concerned about their survival into the future, I get nervous. There are people who can live very disorganized lives. They just live for today and hope that everything works out tomorrow. They do not have large ambitions. They do not care much for motivation and accomplishment. They do what they have to do and then retire into a state of inactivity. It is almost as if they prefer living in complete denial of the future ahead. Disorganization, lack of motivation, the absence of any real willpower to create the kind of future they would like to have do not seem to bother these people as much as they agitate me. I am not good at denial. I am not good at living in the present moment and letting go of everything. I need guarantees. I need action. But maybe there is more that I need to learn from being in relationship with these people who do what they want to do without much concern for consequence or future. After all, their spirit or being is very anarchistic (if it wasn’t for all the fear and anxiety they are working so hard to deny). But they are better than I at ignoring this fear and anxiety. They are better at doing away with worry and allowing their lives to unfold in whatever way they will. They are like someone who is comfortable on a boat without a captain. Every once in awhile they will check the course and direction of the boat but then they will retire back into their cabin where they can let everything go and just enjoy themselves. I lack this ability. I am the guy on the boat who is always freaking out. I am always trying to stear and screaming at other people for being so lazy and taking it too easy. “Get up!” I yell. “Get things together! Can’t you see that we can sink at any moment? There is work to be done! If we don’t stay on top of things we will drift in a direction we don’t want to go! Wake up! We must work harder or else we will drown!” And of course these people always think that I am the crazy one. “Why doesn’t he just relax and stop freaking out? Jeeze he needs to take it easy. Loosen up. Just let the ship drift wherever it will go. Relax. Everything will be fine.” And all I can think as I am feeling all this anxiety in my body is stupid f_____g idiots.

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