Toilet Rumination #113

Dear dad. I am composing this letter to you in my head while I am sitting on the toilet. How are you? I am doing ok. It is day-to-day with me. Somedays are very difficult and I am terrified by cancer, heart disease, my wife fucking up our entire lives and not having enough money. Other days I am just happy to be alive and do not think about these things. I think that nothing lasts forever and I should just have fun now because sooner or later all will be gone. This is a good head space to be in but if I stay in it for too long I freak out. But I have been using marijuana. I vaporize it from the moment I wake until the moment I sleep. It is helpful. It helps me to feel better, worry less, get the things I need to get done, feel more pleasure and have more sex. My wife has been giving me a lot of oral sex recently. Last night she gave me oral sex for an hour as I watched cam girls on my laptop and got very stoned. It was great. I slept like a baby and had no worries in the world. Everything is good enough now. I am trying to make my living as a writer and artist but I understand this will take a lifetime. In the meantime I am just hustling. I am doing what I have to do to survive but I really do not give a rats ass about the work I do. I am just pretending. I am just hustling the general public. Trying to make enough money to get by so I can keep living the life I want to live. It is not difficult to hustle people. They are suckers. If things look a certain way they will buy in. So I go with the stupidity of other people and try to make as much as I can. Of course I do a good job in my work. I work hard and am completly drained by the end of the week. Hustling takes everything out of a person but its my only choice. I refuse to buy into this peice of shit system.  I know you don’t like this. You are a successful and upstanding man. A retired surgeon of the highest order. People think you are amazing. But we both know you are completely full of shit. We know that all that money you have made has allowed you to hide behind this false image. In reality we both know that you are an asshole. You are a fake son of a bitch who treats his wife like shit. You are angry all the time because you know you sold out. You know you are not doing what you want to be doing even though you will deny it till your death. We both know that you basically hate your life. You feel so alone (like I do). The fact that you are always making such an effort to point out how wonderful your life is is a dead give away that your life sucks. We both know this dad. Yes, you have a huge, modern home in a very exclusive mountain community. Yes, everyone around you is very wealthy. Yes, it appears that you have made it in your life. It is so beautiful everywhere around you, how could your life possibly stink of shit? But it does dad. We both know this. You are a fool and a liar. But I know you think you are the shit. But you have been conned by a society that wants you to believe that happiness is to be found in status, material possessions and money. But you know it’s bullshit. You know that all your rich friends are miserable assholes. How empty and vapid it all is, right? I know you don’t like me saying any of this and I am sorry. I just want to be honest with you about how full of shit you are. It makes me very uncomfortable to be around because I have to pretend like I am buying into and enjoying your bullshit. But whatever. I let you do you. I let you be you even though you can’t let anyone be themselves. You hold everyone to an impossible standard. Everyone needs to meet your exact needs. This is why you are a son of a bitch. A messed up mother f_____r. You have your good sides as well. I know. You do nice things for people. But you are still an entitled, rich asshole. I am only telling you all of this because in a few days I will be visiting you. I will be driving the twelve hours to come stay in your beautiful abode for a few days. It will be nice to live like the rich for a few days. But just know that I would rather not come. I don’t like being in that place where you live. But I am not very thrilled about the place that I live in either. I want to get out of here for a while. I want to go someplace different. I am sick of where I live. It is human bondage. I want to get lost for awhile. Escape from the prison of this life. But it is just important to me that I let you know how I feel before I arrive. I don’t want to have to be full of shit like you this time. Just want to let you know where I stand, and I hope that we can have a good time. I am looking forward to having you pay for everything. I am looking forward to all the free good food and booze. I am looking forward to being in the snow and mountains. I am looking forward to getting the hell away from this place I live in and going to your magical paradise. I am not looking forward to seeing you and all your fake friends but that is ok. I am sure we will have a nice time. See you in a few days. Take care dad.

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