Toilet Rumination #116

I don’t care about you. I don’t care about me. This is my attitude right now. It is all catastrophic. I can’t get anything right. I am always doing everything wrong. I am not able to be in a human relationship. There is always difficulty and distress. I am often upsetting someone else. Is there people out there whom you can talk to about how you feel about their inabilities, their failures, their difficulties, their shortcomings and they will not erupt into a silently controlled rage? Where they will not break down into tears? Where they will not think that they and their life are shit? Are there people who can hear about how they are upsetting you, how they are making you feel anxious and uncomfortable and actually listen and understand without getting upset? Are there people who can actually implement the things you tell them about how they are falling short in their life and learn and grow as a result? Or is this just a fantasy? Why are our egos so precious? Why are we so damn fragile? Why do we have no capacity for constructive criticism but would rather just spend our lives hiding from ourselves? Spend our time on earth pushing away the obvious? I really don’t understand these things. It is difficult for me to be in a relationship and just let the person be free to be themselves. Is this even a possible thing? Aren’t those of us who let our partner be free to be themselves really just self-absorbed egoists who can’t focus on anything else but ourselves? I don’t know. I am a self-absorbed egoist also and maybe this is why I often tell my partner what I think they should be doing. Why can’t I back off? Why can’t I just live my own life in relationship? I seem incapable of having a healthy relationship with another human being and it is probably because I am incapable of feeling comfortable and content within myself and I project my disease all over the other person. I feel incapable and insecure in my own life so why not focus on another’s insecurities? This way I don’t have to deal with my own. Maybe this is it. I don’t know. I just feel incapable of not forcing someone away from me. Maybe a person with a stronger ego would be a better fit. Someone who takes more responsibility for their life and their well-being. But these people are never fun. They are not fun like the careless, reckless and self-destructive females I always seem to end up with. But what kind of price do I pay for getting involved with someone who struggles to manage their own life? I struggle to manage my own life. I can barely pay a bill. So I hook up with a fun and reckless person who is fun and reckless because they are reacting to the unmanagability of their own life and I see myself in them and I freak out. I focus on them. I get mad at them. I tell them what they need to do and they get all bent out of shape about it. But really I am just throwing out these messages to myself that seem directed at someone else. They are directed at myself. All of it. Obviously it is impossible to be good in a relationship unless you have your shit together. We hear this cliché often but ignore its underlying truth. If we are not able to keep our own shit together, manage our own lives we will just bring shit into any relationship we are in. Like lighting incense in a room, no matter how good the compatibility is between two people the smoke from the incense will fill the space until neither partners can breathe. Get your shit together before you get in bed with someone else (unless of course you just want to have sex with them and be gone before sun up).

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